"I'll let you when my relationship status changes" and then bean dip.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My boyfriend and I (recently 30, together for three years) are committed to spending some time, less than a year, working out a newly developed disagreement about what we want our long-term life to look like. If we can agree, we really want to get married but if we can’t, I think we’ll have to break up. He suggested some sessions with a therapist and we’re going to try that, but overall, this is a really tough time. I’m in love, he’s in love, we want to find a compromise, and I know there’s a possibility we won’t be able to.

I’ve disclosed this to my closest friends and I journal, but other than that I keep it private. The problem is my extended family who all live locally, and since I turned 30 have been constantly asking when we’ll get married and pressuring me to get him to propose. How do I shut this down when it’s a topic I’m so sensitive about? Telling the truth isn’t an option here: Everyone teases beyond what’s funny.

—Not Engaged

STARMOON44

This all sounds like a terrible idea. A year of limbo is absurd. 

banana468

I think you and the BF need to figure out what life looks like.  If this is kids or no kids or relocation then you need to determine it and now.  Or stick to the plan and tell those closest that right now there are no plans. 

ei34

This reminds me of "After I Do" by Taylor Jenkins Reid...she's one of my favorite current authors but I didn't like the book.  I don't love the months-long piece...will the hemming and hawing really convince the one of you who wants kids that you actually don't (or vice versa)?  
I do feel for them though.  It must feel terrible to love someone and be on the same page in many areas but want different things.  Maybe the therapist will have a suggestion?

mrsconn23

Here's the thing about the future, it's unpredictable.  So this has to be coming down to something along the lines of where you plan to live, or having kids, or like...going back to school and taking on more student debt. 

Of those three, only one is permanent...kids. The rest is negotiable.  And honestly, you can literally put kids on ice if you want to invest in freezing eggs or embryos.  

Stop taking yourself so damn seriously.  Do you love them?  Do you like being around them?  Do they make you happier when you're with them?  How do you feel when you imagine them not being in your life? Do they treat you well?  Do you want to wake up next to this person every day for the foreseeable future? 

charlotte989875

The reason it’s hard to explain to people is that it’s a strange plan and probably one that’s not going to work out. You’re basically planning a year old break to what? See if either of you change your mind? 

Talk together and with the therapist about when you actually need to make a decision about whatever this is and set a timeline to talk about it and decide. Then decide and stick with it. 

When H and I weren’t on the same page with a second kid it was awful. But we knew we couldn’t put it off so we decided when we were going to have a series of talks on it and we could both be ready for it. It was tough but it helped us clarify what we both wanted and set aside time to do just that. 

Honestly- it sounds like LW knows they should break up but neither are willing to rip off the bandaid. 

VarunaTT

Tell them to stop about things that are none of their business.  End conversations by leaving or hanging up the phone when they misbehave.

I swear, I really don't understand why people think they have a right to have an opinion and to tell you that opinion.  Just STFU already.

short+sassy

First off, they need to drastically shorten that "deciding in a year" bs.  Figure it out or move on.  But don't put yourself in relationship purgatory.

But the question they asked was about their family.  Find the same 1-2 lines and keep repeating them.  Like, "No marriage plans. I'll let you know if/when that changes."

levioosa

I think I’d lose my friggen mind if I was in limbo for a year. Go to counseling, identify if what you’re disagreeing on is a non-negotiable, and figure it out. 

MyNameIsNot

I guess I'll be the weirdo, but I don't think this is the worst thing in the world. I'm assuming this is something really huge like wanting/not wanting kids wanting to immigrate someplace or monogamy/polyamory. Spending "some time, less than a year" working with a therapist to figure out if you can find a path isn't the worst thing. I'd much rather spend a few months in limbo than end it with someone I really loved without at least trying to find a way we could be happy together. 

But that's not what the letter is about. You handle this the way you handle any pushy family member. Bean dip or snarky response. 

VarunaTT

On the "less than a year" thing, I don't see an issue with it.  They've put a timeframe on something that newly discovered after 3 years, is obviously really painful, sounds like it's kinda big, possibly able to compromise, and trying to work through it.  They've created the healthiest boundaries possible it sounds like.