Change the places you are hanging out?

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My best friend, “Anna,” is the smartest, funniest, nicest, coolest, most accomplished person I know. She’s everything I always wanted to be and more. But, she’s not very conventionally attractive. She takes good care of herself but she just didn’t hit the genetic lottery in that regard. No one has ever asked for her number at a bar, she’s had no luck with online dating, and the few dates she’s been on have ended with her being pretty brutally rejected. She gets a lot of “you have a great personality but…” comments.

I, on the other hand, am considered fairly attractive. Every time we go out to a bar or restaurant, eight or nine guys will come over and ask for my number or try to talk to me, completely ignoring Anna’s presence. I always decline, mention we’re having a girls’ night, or say I’m not interested, or even sometimes more forcefully tell them to go to hell if they’re being really rude, but I can tell it still affects her. She’d never say anything or make me feel bad about it, but it definitely bothers her. If we’re in a group, everyone except Anna usually gets approached by a guy. The last time we went out, she let me borrow a band t-shirt of hers (she has amazing style). A guy approached me while we were sitting together asking me about the band. When I told him I don’t listen to the band but Anna does, he acted like she didn’t exist.

Anna started to pull back from these types of events, and when I and another friend tried to ask her what was going on (she normally loves going to bars and clubs and restaurants with us), she made a joke about being an ugly duckling and played it off, making it clear she didn’t want to talk about it. Maybe this seems like a first-world problem, but I feel awful, and I don’t know how to get guys to stop approaching me (and our other friends) when we’re out. It’s one thing to turn them down but I think just the act of them asking for our number hurts Anna’s feelings. What can I do?

—Ugly Duckling

CharmedPam

8 or 9 guys approach you a night? You’re underselling yourself as fairly attractive then.  I can’t get past being hit on that many times! Lol
but LW, if you have no interest in them, you’re doing the right thing. If you are interested and decling for her sake, that’s not the right thing either.  There’s nothing you CAN do.  You can’t make men attracted to her. 

mrsconn23

Roxanne Gay was the guest Prudie and encouraged LW to go to queer bars to avoid men.  I mean not a bad idea, but also...there have to be other places where either LW won't get hit on constantly (eyeroll) or there's a more varied (read: less vapid) group of people in the crowd.    

I've been the friend standing around while a good friend (taller, thinner, or hell, just more outgoing than me) gets attention.  I'm short and stocky, with a round face. It sucks, but it's the way the world goes 'round sometimes.  

I do have a face that says, "I can help you" or "please talk to me about inane details" since it happens to me ALL THE TIME when I'm out and about alone, especially grocery shopping.  I thought the AirPods and trying to avoid eye contact would be a deterrent, but know.  I always tell DH that my face 'did me in again' when it happens.  Hee

I did get hit on in the club a couple weeks ago...The 'club' being Costco.  I told DH right away when I wandered back to him looking at bourbon.  LOL 

VarunaTT

Just as an aside: Using queer bars to avoid men is stupid.  Queer women...who hit on women...go to queer bars.  The exact same scenario will play out.  It's so freaking annoying when I go to the one place I should be able to safely hit on a woman and I still have to play the goddamn Is she straight and will I be safe game.

Anyway:  It's nice to see LW thinking of her friend, but there's really not much you can do.  Start suggesting events out at places where romantic meets/hook ups aren't the point.  

STARMOON44

VarunaTT said:

Just as an aside: Using queer bars to avoid men is stupid.  Queer women...who hit on women...go to queer bars.  The exact same scenario will play out.  It's so freaking annoying when I go to the one place I should be able to safely hit on a woman and I still have to play the goddamn Is she straight and will I be safe game.

Anyway:  It's nice to see LW thinking of her friend, but there's really not much you can do.  Start suggesting events out at places where romantic meets/hook ups aren't the point.  

Agreed. There are lots of good reasons for straight people to be in a gay bar. This isn’t one of them. 

banana468

I had a horrible break up and a rando put his tongue down my throat in a gay bar.   I was visiting a friend in NYC due to the breakup but the visit to the bar was with a friend who is gay - not to find a new safe place.