IDK what the answer is, but I'm not sure I'd believe Marcus.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

After nine years together, my husband “James” and I opened our marriage. Due to IBS and anxiety, James rarely wants to have sex, so opening our marriage allowed me to get my needs met while still maintaining our marriage. Everything else with James is fantastic—we live well, never fight, share values, and have pets together. We’re basically BFFs. I’ve been dating “Marcus” for over a year. We have intense sexual chemistry on top of being generally compatible in all the important ways… which is making me rethink things with James.

James is committed to our marriage, while Marcus was married for a long time, got divorced, and often says he doesn’t want to “be responsible” for other living beings; not even a dog. Marcus says he’s in love with me and if James and I ever got divorced, he’d want to be monogamous. I’m in love with him too, but I’m worried we don’t have a future together based on his “anti-responsibility” stance. I know Marcus’ apprehension is a trauma response, which he’s working through in therapy, but marriage is nothing if not accepting responsibility for one another. Am I insane for even considering leaving James for Marcus? Would it be stupid to give up a sweet husband and a nice life together just for sex? Am I a total dipshit for considering blowing up my life when I could just keep being with them both, even if it feels disingenuous?

—Heart in My Pants

VarunaTT

The answer to all of LW's questions is "yes".  As someone who is in the "I don't want to be responsible" and just got a cat and am still having to walk myself through that responsibility, LW is living in her head (and other parts) and not reality.  Marcus is also being an absolute douchelord, messing with LW's head and needs some therapy himself.

LW should get into therapy and see how they really feel about their marriage and if they want to keep it.  They're basically seeking a NSA arrangement, but don't seem capable of actually keeping up their side of it and that's not going to work for them.

levioosa

I don’t trust Marcus as far as I can throw him. Which isn’t very far because I have zero upper body strength. 

banana468

There is no way on this earth that I would ever engage in even a friendship with someone who does not want to be responsible. 

That's a line my 9 yo uses when I tell him about his chores.  Is that what you want??  A relationship with an adult with the mentality of a NINE YEAR OLD?? 

CharmedPam

banana468 said:

There is no way on this earth that I would ever engage in even a friendship with someone who does not want to be responsible. 

That's a line my 9 yo uses when I tell him about his chores.  Is that what you want??  A relationship with an adult with the mentality of a NINE YEAR OLD?? 

I need to know how far the lack of responsibility IS though.  LW said he doesn’t want to take care of any living beings, and I can say that about myself.  Kids.  Animals.  Even plants don’t survive around me.  But I put myself as a responsible PERSON.  I adult.  I can still be a good girlfriend to someone without wanting to have anything living in my house. 

charlotte989875

Why change what you have if it’s working? If your husband is cool with Marcus and Marcus doesn’t want anything more- why blow everything up? 

I think it’s time for therapy because there’s a lot of contradictions in this letter (you don’t want to leave your marriage but you and Marcus both want monogamy. Marcus doesn’t want to be responsible for anyone but he does want to be monogamous?) A lot just doesn’t line up. 

VarunaTT

CharmedPam said:

banana468 said:

There is no way on this earth that I would ever engage in even a friendship with someone who does not want to be responsible. 

That's a line my 9 yo uses when I tell him about his chores.  Is that what you want??  A relationship with an adult with the mentality of a NINE YEAR OLD?? 

I need to know how far the lack of responsibility IS though.  LW said he doesn’t want to take care of any living beings, and I can say that about myself.  Kids.  Animals.  Even plants don’t survive around me.  But I put myself as a responsible PERSON.  I adult.  I can still be a good girlfriend to someone without wanting to have anything living in my house. 

Exactly the same.  I thought about the cat for a solid year before I took action and even though she's added a lot to my life (obviously, it's becoming an issue how much I talk about this damn cat), the first month I definitely thought, "This was a bad idea, I wasn't ready for this".  It's gotten better, but I definitely know even more now that I am not ready to share my space/time/energy/emotions with an actual person.  The rest of "adulting" I'm just fine with b/c it's all mine (sometimes that sucks too, but see above as to why i won't be sharing the burden of simply existing in this world with anyone).

CharmedPam

Do James and LW have kids? Does she want kids? That would be the dealbreaker. Marcus is telling her now he doesn’t, which kudos to him but he does say he loves her and will be monogamous.  So basically it boils down to LW wanting or having any pet or child in her life.  That’s the only responsibility point she has made.  If there’s more, she doesn’t call him out in the letter on it.
Edit to add; I don’t think she’s insane to leave James for someone she has sexual chemistry with.  A sexless marriage only goes so far.

short+sassy

I know the LW won't like my answer, but it's time to end things with Marcus.  Their relationship has become too emotionally involved, especially for something that has NO FUTURE.

She loves her H and is happy with their relationship, except for his low sex drive.  Marcus is great sex and sounds like good companionship.  But missing major things the LW wants in a relationship.

Marcus is "newer".  He's exciting.  She doesn't have the day to day drudge with him that she has with her H.  But that would quickly change if she left her H and they started living together.

She may need to reconsider open relationships entirely unless she can stick to one-night stands or brief affairs.  It's not fair to her H and their agreement if she is too susceptible to falling in love with her affair partners.  It's one of the reasons I couldn't consider an open relationship, lol.  I could see being just like that and not being able to leave my feelings at the door. 

MyNameIsNot

I agree that it's time to end things with Marcus and close the marriage, at least for now. Part of the foundation of ethical non-monogamy is the trust and commitment that you have to your primary partner. When a second is starting to make you consider leaving your primary, you're no longer responsibly managing the trust that they're putting in you. 

But I promise, Marcus will be a cloud of smoke the second LW is single. 

STARMOON44

short+sassy said:

I know the LW won't like my answer, but it's time to end things with Marcus.  Their relationship has become too emotionally involved, especially for something that has NO FUTURE.

She loves her H and is happy with their relationship, except for his low sex drive.  Marcus is great sex and sounds like good companionship.  But missing major things the LW wants in a relationship.

Marcus is "newer".  He's exciting.  She doesn't have the day to day drudge with him that she has with her H.  But that would quickly change if she left her H and they started living together.

She may need to reconsider open relationships entirely unless she can stick to one-night stands or brief affairs.  It's not fair to her H and their agreement if she is too susceptible to falling in love with her affair partners.  It's one of the reasons I couldn't consider an open relationship, lol.  I could see being just like that and not being able to leave my feelings at the door. 

I don’t think the LW is necessarily a she!