You're probably going to have to move.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I’m a divorced man with no children in a very small town. My divorce was unbelievably contentious, and we both weaponized our friends and families against each other. Once we finalized the process I thought that the madness would stop, but then one night the police arrived at my door and placed me under arrest for an act of shocking violence that I did not commit. (I don’t know for sure that it was my ex-wife who called it in but it certainly isn’t hard to imagine it was.) The police were actually very understanding and I was “quickly” let go and charges were dropped but it’s the kind of accusation that doesn’t rub off, especially in a town as small as mine.

Now that I’m socializing again, I’m finding that despite the very real fact of my innocence, pretty much everyone I know has become convinced of my guilt. Most people have just stopped talking to me or sent me messages essentially telling me I’m a lying monster/should be dead or in jail, but the most disturbing is that sometimes they will keep communicating with me but with a very strange and off-putting conspiratorial air. Like “Oh, of course, you’re innocent—wink wink, nudge nudge, I won’t tell anyone if you don’t.” Of all the ways to respond, that one really distresses me the most, and I can never look at them the same again. How can I make people understand that I DID NOT DO IT without seeming sketchy or defensive? Is it even possible for me to live here normally after this happens? This is the town I was born in, but I’ve already lost most of my old friends and some family as a result of this, and I just want the hemorrhaging to stop.

—Innocently Guilty

banana468

It's likely going to be something that those with formed opinions have formed.  I'll also say  - maybe this is a lesson to not publicly mudsling.   

VarunaTT

This might pass over, but more than likely it won't.  It'll be the "Oh, I don't like him but now I can't remember why" or the barely remembered gossip.  Honestly, since kids aren't involved, I'd just take the lesson and move.

charlotte989875

Honestly- leave and start fresh. Why keep putting yourself in this situation that’s unlikely to get better? 

mrsconn23

I would like to know what easily disproven, but 'shocking violence' LW was accused of.  They readily admit it was a contentious divorce where they shit on each other back and forth and dragged all sorts of people into it...all according to LW.  It makes me wonder where the ex-wife stands on the accusation and/or lack of follow-through on the complaint that rose to the level of cops paying a visit to LW.  

Anyway, people have apparently come to their own conclusions.  Why would you want to stay in a place where you're ostracized? 

banana468

mrsconn23 said:

I would like to know what easily disproven, but 'shocking violence' LW was accused of.  They readily admit it was a contentious divorce where they shit on each other back and forth and dragged all sorts of people into it...all according to LW.  It makes me wonder where the ex-wife stands on the accusation and/or lack of follow-through on the complaint that rose to the level of cops paying a visit to LW.  

Anyway, people have apparently come to their own conclusions.  Why would you want to stay in a place where you're ostracized? 

Also, the reason people are likely believing it is because of this history of verbal/legal low blows.

Maybe this is a lesson on how to conduct yourself. 

short+sassy

One of the biggest reasons people stay living in their hometowns, especially small ones, is because of friends and family.

The LW now has few friends and has even lost some family over all of this ugliness.  I know it can be hard to think of at first, but I think they'd feel so much relief once they moved.  Plus, they won't run into their ex they hate and she is less likely to call with false police reports if he is living in a totally different state.

ei34

I'm left miffed at how their police precincts work in their small town.  When I filed for my Order of Protection I needed photographic evidence of everything.  And the detective called exH 10~days later and gave him a date and time to turn himself in.  When I hear "shockingly violent" I picture the ex-wife showing up at an ER and being questioned about who did this to her, leading police to show up at LW's home and arrest him on the spot.  I'm NOT going to be like so many in LW's life and not believe him, but something isn't stacking up, unless their police do things really differently.

All that aside, ditto everyone else that I'd move.  People tend to stay in the same place for their close relationships, but if many of those are gone, I'd move.  (Which is sad to type...what a mess, sorry LW!)

levioosa

I’m with you @ei34. Something isn’t passing my smell test with this guy. It’s a little too “woe is me, I’m completely the victim here!” Energy. 

short+sassy

ei34 said:

I'm left miffed at how their police precincts work in their small town.  When I filed for my Order of Protection I needed photographic evidence of everything.  And the detective called exH 10~days later and gave him a date and time to turn himself in.  When I hear "shockingly violent" I picture the ex-wife showing up at an ER and being questioned about who did this to her, leading police to show up at LW's home and arrest him on the spot.  I'm NOT going to be like so many in LW's life and not believe him, but something isn't stacking up, unless their police do things really differently.

All that aside, ditto everyone else that I'd move.  People tend to stay in the same place for their close relationships, but if many of those are gone, I'd move.  (Which is sad to type...what a mess, sorry LW!)

This is a different POV from my own experience, but I wouldn't be surprised at all for the story to be exactly the way the LW says it is.  Police departments and their attitudes can be very different across the country.

It's very much like that where I live and it happened to a close friend and a couple coworkers.  When women accuse their SO or ex-SO of assault, the guy will be handcuffed and hauled off to jail even when there is no evidence other than what she said.  Right or wrong, the assumption is usually that the "poor, weak" woman is telling the truth.  My friend and his g/f had broken up.  Were not living together anymore.  She called the police and said he had come over to her new place and hit her multiple times.  It was a total lie.  He'd never even gone over to her place.  He said he never hit her and I 100% believe him.  That is not his personality at all. The charges were dropped the next day.

One of my former coworkers had his g/f hit him across the face hard with his work boot when he was sound asleep.  She called the police and said he beat her up.  He was the one with a black eye and giant bruise on his face, but the police took him to jail instead of her.

But then on the opposite side of "protect women".  New Orleans is also one of those cities who think women are lying when they say they have been sexually assaulted.  Throw rape kits into a heap and leave them unprocessed for years, even when the victim knows their attacker.