this is the code for the render ad
Wedding Etiquette Forum

Wedding Guest List - Family Drama

Hello, looking for some advice on how to handle some drama going on over my wedding guest list. 

Backstory: my fiancé and I both have pretty large (extended) families, some of which we are extremely close with and many that we are not. We also have a fairly large friend group who we are very close to and spend more time with than family. I am of the mindset weddings are not a family reunion and blood is not thicker than water due to several familial strains. We have been keeping our guest list pretty tight for budget reasons (~200) and have had to make some extensive cuts. I originally wanted no kids under 18 to chop the list easily and fairly but my fiancé’s closest cousins who we spend significant time with are 15 and 16, and our flower girl is 3 (though I think that would be an easy exception). The issue for me is that I have a large amount of first and second cousins, varying in age from mid-40s to infancy. My relationship with my cousins also varies on who I spend time with— closer with some second cousins than first cousins, for example. However, including all kids would have pushed either our guest list well over OR would have needed us to cut out friends who are like family. 

Solution (in our minds): we decided first cousins were a for sure yes. This gave us a solution for the 3 on his side, and many on my side were the youngest first cousin was 6. However, on the topic of my cousin’s kids (second cousins), we decided to make cuts here. We allowed second cousins by blood or marriage (This is the important part). This gave us the ability to invite my second cousins who I am close with, but excluded several others who I very much so am not close with anyways.. which I thought was fair criteria. His parents agreed to our exclusions, my parents agreed to our exclusion and didn’t think it would ruffle any feathers. Our guest list was slightly over our limit this way but we agreed to make it work because it felt most fair for all sides of the family. 

The Problem: Many of my first cousins are dating individuals with multiple kids from previous relationships. None of them are married, but one has her own child with her SO. This first cousin’s SO has 4 other children, besides the daughter shared between him and my cousin. They have been together for a few years, but they are not married, not engaged, and I can count on one hand how many times I’ve met him and fewer times his children. He doesn’t have sole custody or even primary placement. The exclusion list I made would exclude his 4 kids. My cousin has started a social media war throwing shade that step-kids should be included at weddings. She has made multiple Facebook posts about the topic, and has all but tagged me in them. She has also sent me very shady text messages about my “criteria” because “weddings are meant for family” and I should have “invited less of my friends to make room”. Given my strained relationship with a lot of my family members (her being one of them) and not wanting to make it a bigger deal, I have been the bigger person and have just ignored her tirades thus far. My fiancé and I are paying for our wedding ourselves, and gifts are not the point. However, at my sister’s wedding, this cousin gave very minimally and did not even cover cost of plate. If I added the 4 kids, she is not trusted to reflect etiquette, since that has already been proven, so the only “benefit” of giving in would be to just shut her up. 

I am a high anxiety person so seeing all the attacks, on top of the stress of saving money and planning the wedding has left me a little on edge and feeling sick and like I’m a terrible person. I would love any and all advice on how others would handle this scenario.

Re: Wedding Guest List - Family Drama

  • I'm sorry for the stress you are going through. 

    I would continue to take the high road with your cousin. I realize it's hard, but I would only speak out against her social media acts if other guests are likely to be influenced by them. Should that be the case, I would simply tell her that your and your FI's decisions about the guest list are final, and that if she feels she can't attend under the circumstances, you will be sorry to miss her and her partner. And I would say the same to any other guests trying to get you to invite kids who are not invited.

    I do think that you have a problem with not including children in the households of your first cousins who are not their own children, and I think that the fairest course of action with your first cousins' children, however they are or aren't related, is not to make distinctions among them. If it really isn't feasible for you to invite all of them, then I would not invite any of them by way of "inviting in circles." In this instance, you would be excluding the whole circle of children/stepchildren of first cousins, which is more fair than inviting some but not others.

    I would not take your cousin's past behavior at your sister's wedding into consideration. Wedding gifts are optional and guests have no obligation to "cover their plates." The finances of the wedding are none of the guests' business and usually they have no way of knowing how much their "plates" cost (and in some cases, have no means of "covering them" anyway).



  • Jen4948 said:
    I'm sorry for the stress you are going through. 

    I would continue to take the high road with your cousin. I realize it's hard, but I would only speak out against her social media acts if other guests are likely to be influenced by them. Should that be the case, I would simply tell her that your and your FI's decisions about the guest list are final, and that if she feels she can't attend under the circumstances, you will be sorry to miss her and her partner. And I would say the same to any other guests trying to get you to invite kids who are not invited.

    I do think that you have a problem with not including children in the households of your first cousins who are not their own children, and I think that the fairest course of action with your first cousins' children, however they are or aren't related, is not to make distinctions among them. If it really isn't feasible for you to invite all of them, then I would not invite any of them by way of "inviting in circles." In this instance, you would be excluding the whole circle of children/stepchildren of first cousins, which is more fair than inviting some but not others.

    I would not take your cousin's past behavior at your sister's wedding into consideration. Wedding gifts are optional and guests have no obligation to "cover their plates." The finances of the wedding are none of the guests' business and usually they have no way of knowing how much their "plates" cost (and in some cases, have no means of "covering them" anyway).



    Pretty much all of this.  I wouldn't take into account how someone gifts as to whether or not they're invited.  I always like to use the line my aunt used, "If you want me to cover my plate I get to pick the place." 

    I definitely think you don't need to invite the children of the SO of a cousin.  That's starting to be really pushy.

    One note: your cousin's children are your first cousins once-removed.  Second cousins share a set of great grandparents and are the same generation.    For many couples, it can be easy to invite by generation if you start to see that the next generation is getting too cost prohibitive.  
  • These have both been really helpful. We haven’t sent invites out yet, and the only reason she knew the plan was because she blew up my phone demanding to know, so I am kind of thinking we go back to the guest list and remove the first cousins once-removed. This way it will only be first cousins and their partners, and if any of my cousin’s kids are upset, this may be an easier way of explaining it. Then, it’s a whole group of equals excluded versus trying to include who I want and potentially discriminating against others. Is that a better approach?
  • These have both been really helpful. We haven’t sent invites out yet, and the only reason she knew the plan was because she blew up my phone demanding to know, so I am kind of thinking we go back to the guest list and remove the first cousins once-removed. This way it will only be first cousins and their partners, and if any of my cousin’s kids are upset, this may be an easier way of explaining it. Then, it’s a whole group of equals excluded versus trying to include who I want and potentially discriminating against others. Is that a better approach?
    FWIW we definitely found that it was a LOT easier to invite in circles.

    Also, we had the experience with the opposite over the summer.  In a family wedding DH's first cousin output that they were at capacity for their venue.  We found sitters for our two and somehow when we showed up to the family event many of the cousins were there with their kids.  We noticed it and it definitely stung. 
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards