Wedding Woes

He needs a career counselor.

Dear Prudence,

I’ve been married to my amazing husband for almost 11 years now, and while I can’t imagine my life with anyone else, we’re at a bit of an impasse. All his life, he was told he was stupid, talked down to, and belittled by his parents and teachers. He barely made it out of high school alive but managed to scrape out an AA before giving up on school entirely. He’s worked in bars and restaurants for the last two decades because of this, and while he hates the work, thinks it’s the only thing he’s good at. Prudie, my husband is so much smarter and talented than he could ever imagine. He can visualize and execute complex construction projects without ever looking at a blueprint, and after a few hours of YouTube, he taught himself how to rewire our diesel truck. But he still considers himself stupid and unworthy of “real jobs” because he “isn’t smart enough.” His last “real job” ended badly because of a conflict with his absolutely unhinged boss.

Now we’re at a point in our lives where his part-time income (I work full time) from bartending isn’t covering the bills. There is an amazing opportunity with our county that has opened up that encompasses everything he loves to do, like fishing and boating, but because it involves some technical computer work and mapping systems, he thinks it is out of his reach. I disagree. I convinced him to submit his résumé, anyway, and he was selected for an interview. Now he’s panicking because he’s worried that he’ll just fail again like the last job (they’re in similar fields). I’ve been trying to remind him that the last job failed because his boss was an utter lunatic, and that he is so much more qualified than he gives himself credit for it. Therapy has never been on the table (I’ve been suggesting it for years to no avail), but I have no idea how I can convince him that he is smart and worthy and very good at what he does.

—Supportive Wife, Insecure Husband

Re: He needs a career counselor.

  • Hire a career coach! This is exactly what they’re here for. Have them prep him and give him interview strategies. While therapy in the long run might be helpful in the short term he needs someone to boost his confidence and help me mail an interview. 
  • @mrsconn23 and @charlotte989875, him going to a career coach is a great idea that I would not thought of.

    It might give him more confidence to feel "ready" for the interview.  But more importantly, I think it would boost his self esteem to hear a 3rd party person tell him he is qualified and ready for the job.

    But he needs to get out of serving/bartending.  Not only is it not enough money for the LW's family, but over the years it will destroy your body and he is probably already to that point.

    My friend was engaged to a career bartender (they broke it off years ago).  When I knew him, he'd been bartending for about 20 years and was only in his early 40s.  He made crazy good money, but had already developed so many physical problems, including constant pain in his back.  He knew he needed to leave bartending.  He had no other skills or experience and felt trapped.  I always felt bad for him.  But he was also the type who would never stretch out of his comfort zone and take the steps he needed to find another career path.
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