Dear Prudence,
I have been married 10 years and together for 13. My stepdaughters “Gracie and Nikki” are 28 and 25 respectively. Gracie and I have a good relationship, while her sister can barely be civil towards me. As a teenager, Nikki treated me as her own personal maid, chauffeur, and chef. She had zero respect and would stomp off screaming if asked to demonstrate any. I took a lot of “walks” when she had her friends drop in without warning. There was one memorable incident where she threw a plastic glass at my head when, after she came in crying that she was hungry and needed her laundry done, I pointed at the kitchen and told her to help herself. She was 16 at the time. (And yes, both girls have been in therapy on and off since before I even met my husband.) Nikki never took anything from it, other than that I was an easier punching bag than either of her parents or her sister.
I have tried to take the high road over the sneers, insults, and sheer rudeness, but I hit my limit when Nikki got engaged. My parents both gave Gracie and Nikki over a thousand dollars for their weddings. Gracie was gracious and thanked my parents in a toast. Nikki cashed the check and didn’t bother to invite them at all. I paid my parents back and let Nikki have it. She insisted she did nothing wrong, it was a gift, and it was her special day—so there. I called her a monstrous brat and to never expect anything from me again. My husband didn’t want to go to the wedding without me but I made him go alone. I avoid being around Nikki as much as possible and it is fairly easy as we all live locally.
I am very close to Gracie and her two children. Gracie is a freelancer and her childcare needs are chaotic, while my work is very flexible. I often watch her children. Nikki has announced her pregnancy and so “graciously” offered to bury the hatchet with me—if I become her unpaid personal nanny. I would be required to drive 45 minutes to her house every day to take care of her baby. Nikki doesn’t want the baby anywhere but at her house. So hell will freeze over before I do that. My husband thinks this is an olive branch; I think it is just Nikki deciding she wants something and that she deserves it no matter what. So what should I do here? The baby isn’t due for another five months, but the holidays are coming up, and I’d rather not ruin them.