I'd send the email

Casadena

A few years ago, my mother and father fell off the deep end. Think drugs, alcoholism, and awful behavior. Due to these transgressions, my husband and I ended up adopting my youngest sibling, as they lost custody. Thankfully, we have a wonderful life, and this sibling of mine has fit in as our eldest child perfectly. When this all happened, I found out that my “dad” wasn’t my bio dad. My whole family seems to have known this secret, except me. Due to lack of contact, I have tried to find out who my actual dad is, to no avail. I have done the DNA tests, but only found distant cousins, and due to a large number of children in that family, it makes it difficult to narrow down.

Over the summer I received an email from my mother, “missing me” and wanting to “reconnect.” I haven’t responded, but have gone back and forth writing an email reply asking who my dad is. I feel like I need this information to have closure in my life, but I don’t necessarily want a relationship with him, if he doesn’t want one with me. Thankfully, I am healthy, as are my biological children, so I don’t have a medical concern, but ever since I found out about the “not dad” situation, I have wanted to know. My grandparents won’t tell me or “don’t actually know” who my bio dad is, so I feel the only option I have to close this chapter is to get a response from her. I don’t want to open any gates for her into my life, but feel like if she owes me anything, it’s this one piece of information. I just don’t know what to do.

—To Email or Not to Email

short+sassy

I'd also send the e-mail.  It is totally normal to wonder about your origins.  I also don't think it opens up a relationship with the mom, though the mom might hope for that.

If they find their bio-father or a closer member of his family, they should reach out.  As long as they can come to terms and be okay with the possibility of no one responding or receiving a response that their bio-dad wants to be left alone.

MyNameIsNot

I'd ask her, but I kind of doubt she's going to just tell you. I feel like she's either going to lie about it or try to hold it hostage for more contact. 

banana468

I'd send the email but do it with an understanding you likely won' get an answer.

VarunaTT

I would not send the email, but that's b/c I cut my bio parents out of my life and there is no piece of information I can conceive of that I would want to know so much that I would consider giving them even access to me for a hot minute.

However, LW sounds like she's weighed the options and she does want to know this more than the access issue, so she should send it, hell I'd say fake what she can/needs to for the info, then peace out again.