Therapy, but I dont' know if I could stay

Casadena

I just discovered my husband Luke is part of an online community of people who regret having children. We have a 6-year-old and a 3-year-old together, and he has three kids from his first marriage. When Luke and I began dating, I told him up front that I wanted children and that I wanted their father to be as enthusiastic about having them as I was. Luke loved being a dad the first time around, and he was confident he’d love it just as much with our kids. Well, he was wrong. Our kids exhaust him. Their need for him and his responsibilities towards them fill him with despair. He has even talked about wanting to die so he doesn’t have to deal with them anymore. I’m heartbroken for all of us, and I want to get Luke help. But I don’t know what to do, how to help Luke while also protecting my kids from his despair. Where do I begin?

—My Husband Regrets Our Kids

banana468

Has he looked into therapy for himself?  

short+sassy

That's a tough one!  I think the best option for the H is therapy.  Possibly individual and couples counseling.

It may not change his inner feelings, but might better help him cope with them.  Because whether he likes it or not, his wife and kids deserve a father who helps and at least pretends that he wants to play with them.

mrsconn23

Ugh, I feel for everyone here.  I'm really concerned that he's telling LW he's having ideations about death to escape parenting their kids.  On that alone, I'd be seeking out therapy.  

I also hate that there are (oh so many) places online that are echo chambers and can reinforce awful thought loops and patterns.  Yes, he may have been seeking this type of information or stumbled across it by accident.  He may not feel so severe about his younger kids if he wasn't getting the validation. I'm not discrediting his feelings, but he's not working through them if he keeps getting the same or similar perspectives all the time and the reinforcement that his feelings are 'right'.  If there is any hope for them to work on or through this, he has to stop with these groups. 

If he's not open to therapy or making any sort of change, LW should leave him.  LW and their kids deserve so much better.  Also, I'd fight for primary custody and as much child support as possible.  Even if he regrets his choice to have more kids with LW now, he still did it willingly and should live with the consequences financially if he can't bear it emotionally.