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mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My granddaughter (15) who lives in Canada is coming for a one-week visit. I wrote to her asking if she would like to fly first-class on this trip or if I could take her on a $1400 shopping spree since my son already purchased a $700.00 economy ticket. She hasn’t replied yet, but my son told me she’d like to get a few “outfits,” but put the remaining cash in her bank account. I told my son that I really wanted to do something special for her (laptop, etc.) when I saw her. I am also concerned that her mother could get her hands on the money. Well, this morning my son sent me this text: “She’s 15 and has control over her own money. She is also old enough to know if her mom steals from her. If you’re going to offer a gift like that, you shouldn’t put any stipulations on it. Just give her the gift and let her do what she wants with it.” I always believed gifts were given from the heart. Over the past seven years or so I’ve adapted to being given specific lists (URLs included) for Christmas and birthdays, but this was very different for me. I’m feeling abused and controlled. What’s the right response here?

—Abused and Controlled Out West

banana468

You think gifts are given from the heart but you also think that gifts are given with control.  Which is it?  It seems like you want to maintain a level of control that is not a gift but financing.

You aren't being abused here.  You made an offer and she countered it. Are you wanting to give this for the credit of something big or are you wanting to do this so her mom doesn't steal?  I need more info here but all of this is really pushing that you are looking for credit and not to be the giver.

STARMOON44

This is an inappropriate amount to gift against a parents and child’s wishes. 

Casadena

I mean, you're not being abused and that's ridiculous. I also understand from LW's perspective that she wants to do something specific for the grandaughter and not just send her cash. Which it totally her right, I think (although in that case, she shouldn't have sent the cash, she should have waited and just provided the gifts that she wanted to give). At this point it just seems like a miscommunication and she should let it go. 

VarunaTT

What am I missing?  She offered a shopping spree, with a budget.  If person doesn't want said shopping spree or doesn't max out the budget, IDK why they think they should just get the $$/remaining $$?

The other things are just rude and LW shouldn't have vocalized them.

At this point, I'd just give the $1400 and wouldn't offer up anything like that again.

levioosa

VarunaTT said:

What am I missing?  She offered a shopping spree, with a budget.  If person doesn't want said shopping spree or doesn't max out the budget, IDK why they think they should just get the $$/remaining $$?

The other things are just rude and LW shouldn't have vocalized them.

At this point, I'd just give the $1400 and wouldn't offer up anything like that again.

I’m with Varuna. She offered a specific gift. I don’t think the situation is all that different from something like offering full time college tuition for a semester and they (parents/child) say “oh she’s only taking one class so you can send her the remainder of the tuition gift to her bank account.” Just because someone offers a specific gift doesn’t mean the other person is entitled to changing it. 

I’ll be her grandchild if she wants to take me on a $1400 shopping spree or pay for my first class ticket. Lol. 

banana468

levioosa said:

VarunaTT said:

What am I missing?  She offered a shopping spree, with a budget.  If person doesn't want said shopping spree or doesn't max out the budget, IDK why they think they should just get the $$/remaining $$?

The other things are just rude and LW shouldn't have vocalized them.

At this point, I'd just give the $1400 and wouldn't offer up anything like that again.

I’m with Varuna. She offered a specific gift. I don’t think the situation is all that different from something like offering full time college tuition for a semester and they (parents/child) say “oh she’s only taking one class so you can send her the remainder of the tuition gift to her bank account.” Just because someone offers a specific gift doesn’t mean the other person is entitled to changing it. 

I’ll be her grandchild if she wants to take me on a $1400 shopping spree or pay for my first class ticket. Lol. 

I can see both sides of it.

I just went through a small situation with Chiquita where she had a haircut last weekend.  At the end she said, "I don't want (DH's mom) to take me for a haircut again" and she took Chiquita to one last year.  She felt like my MIL may have been controlling (she wasn't - it was a simple cut to what I asked) but the point is that MIL can have strings attached to the gifts or gestures.  I could see that if the grandchild would feel like the shopping spree comes with "these must fit Grandma's vision" it's up there with taking your parents money for a wedding.  Is it to do with to your vision or is it so your parents can have their vision?  

mrsconn23

I was with LW until they went all fainting couch with the 'gifts are given from the heart' and 'abused and controlled' narrative.  

LW should have NEVER put a dollar amount to this. It should have been, "I want to have granddaughter out for a visit and while she's here, I'd love to buy her new clothes or anything else she may need. Does she need an upgraded computer or new phone?  I'm also happy to upgrade her ticket to first class.  I just want to enjoy some time with her." 
 
Furthermore, methinks this isn't the first time that LW has offered these types of grandiose gifts with all sorts of strings or control attached to them and then she has a contentious interaction with their son the recipient when they don't react the way she wants. 

LW is giving me martyr vibes. 

banana468

mrsconn23 said:

I was with LW until they went all fainting couch with the 'gifts are given from the heart' and 'abused and controlled' narrative.  

LW should have NEVER put a dollar amount to this. It should have been, "I want to have granddaughter out for a visit and while she's here, I'd love to buy her new clothes or anything else she may need. Does she need an upgraded computer or new phone?  I'm also happy to upgrade her ticket to first class.  I just want to enjoy some time with her." 
 
Furthermore, methinks this isn't the first time that LW has offered these types of grandiose gifts with all sorts of strings or control attached to them and then she has a contentious interaction with their son the recipient when they don't react the way she wants. 

LW is giving me martyr vibes. 

That's exactly why I'm with you.  It's not "what...you only want my MONEY?!?!" that's happening.  I'm getting the vibes that LW is ready to tell everyone how ungrateful those around her are when these are methods of control.    

short+sassy

I'm torn, but more on the LW's side.  She is clutching her pearls too hard in the letter.  But in a sense, the gift she wants to give is an "experience".  Whether that is flying first class or going on an all-out shopping spree.  She doesn't want to just give money because she feels like that's what she usually does for the holidays.  Whether it's a check or buying things from links.

Hindsight being 20/20, she shouldn't have put a dollar value on it.  More of a "Hey granddaughter, what would you prefer?  An upgrade to 1st class or a shopping spree when you get here?"

levioosa

I completely agree with the martyr vibes. But I feel like the base question of “is giving a gift with stipulations wrong” is reasonably straightforward if you took it at face value. 

charlotte989875

Yeah the LWs “abuse” suggestion is too much, but she’s allowed to give the gift she wants and not just hand over cash. And the granddaughter is old enough, at 15, to decide if she wants the very generous decision to upgrade to first class or a shopping spree. If she doesn’t want either she can decline that doesn’t mean she (or Dad) get to demand the cash value of the gift.