Dear Prudence,
I’m lucky enough to be in a long-term relationship with a wonderful man who treats me with respect and has a great network around him. I met my partner when I moved interstate about four years ago and we have a wonderful life together, but recently I have been feeling resentful of him. Not because he’s done anything wrong but because before I met my partner, I was an outgoing, social, creative, and free person with a multitude of hobbies and outings per week. I played in a semi-popular local band and had a large friend circle. Now, I am in my mid-thirties with a limited circle of friends who appear to be playing second fiddle to my partner in life.
I feel like I’m rather dull and can’t communicate or be confident socially like I used to, and I feel as though everyone in my life notices this and finds me boring. I have been acutely aware that in any long-term relationship maintaining identity is important and yet, here I am feeling isolated and as though everyone in my life is there for and unconditionally loves my partner and does not care for me because I’m the newer addition in their lives.
This is exacerbated because my partner has a strong cultural background and a family that constantly surrounds him and requires that he see them multiple times a week. His mother is heavily reliant on us and due to a recent family death, I have been seeing his family even more to offer support. I have no family in my state and feel as though I am always around my partner’s “people:” his family, his friends, etc.
My family back home barely contact me, but this isn’t odd as we aren’t extremely connected even when I’m back home. I feel as though no one in his life truly understands: I’m pretty much invisible to them, and they have no regard for my goals and dreams and think I’m there solely to support them. Which couldn’t be further from the truth, as I am the higher income-earner and homemaker. My partner is encouraging me to pursue my own identity because I told him this was an issue to me. I’m constantly messaging old friends who “get me” to try and organize things, and we try but are busy with our respective lives. I have tried joining several local groups and communities but find them hard to enjoy. Where did my identity go and how can I reclaim it?
—Dude, Where’s My Personality?