Dear Prudence,
My older sister knew she was gay since she was a kid while I struggled with my identity until mid-adulthood. I am asexual and a man. No doctor has found anything wrong with me physically while every therapist thought there was something mentally wrong with me until I found one that told me I am fine the way I am. My parents still don’t really get it and my sister willfully doesn’t. She kept saying I was in the closet until I threatened to lock her in one to shut her up. When my sister got married, she and her wife were determined to each have a biological tie to the children. Her wife is an only child so there was a ton of family pressure on me to help them complete their family. I folded and they ended up with eight embryos. Three were not viable. Four were lost in miscarriages. Leaving the last one.
My sister-in-law is pregnant and it is high risk. During all this I met my fiancé. She is asexual too and it is a relief to be able to be free and happy with someone who gets me. She is the reason I have the courage to keep up my boundaries when my sister tries to stomp on them again. She told me, not asked, that if this pregnancy doesn’t work that they will try a surrogate so they need another donation from me. I told my sister I was not comfortable with that anymore and told her no. She freaked out. Called me every name in the book, insulted my fiancé, and told me I was killing their dream to have a family. They have other options: a different donor and if biology matters so much, our dad or her father-in-law were there. She could donate her own eggs. She told me I was sick in the head to think that but she always knew I was mentally off. I told her not to contact me for a while.
Our parents are completely on her side and told me I was being selfish. This might be their only chance for grandchildren (and it doesn’t help that my sister plans to name the baby after one of our dead siblings). My sister-in-law recently emailed me that all this stress was hurting her and to please wait to reconsider when we see if the baby lives or not. She is on a medical bedrest. My fiancée and I have stopped planning our wedding because of this. What should I do? My fiancé says “my body and it’s my choice” should be enough for anyone.
—Blood in Water