She needs a different therapist, stat. And maybe more intensive intervention.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My granddaughter is 12 years old and for the past year she no longer smiles. She stays secluded in her room and does not participate in family fun. She quit all her sports and tells us she’s a misfit. Her parents have sought counseling for her, but it does not seem to help. She used to be so happy, loving, and very talkative. Now the conversation with her is nil. What can I do to help her return to her old self?

—Worried

banana468

Talk to her, look into other therapists if her parents are open to it but also be clear to her that you love her because you love her.

Some but not all grandparents have a feeling about how a kid is supposed to be and no 12 year old is going to open up to "I'm not acting like I did when I was 6 because that was 6 years ago."  But if you say, "I see that you're going through stuff and if you ever want to talk, know you can say anything and we are always here to be your support and love system."  It may not be what she needs at the moment but it's an open door. 

mrsconn23

Agreed, @banana468.  I think it's concerning that granddaughter quit all sports (if she loved them to this point, but if she was made to play, then it's a whole other issue) and is calling herself a 'misfit' (again, maybe she's working out identity and isn't going to play mom&dad's/grandparent's 'game').  This letter is too brief to parse this.  

LW does have to let go of granddaughter being her 'old self'.  She's 12.  Her 'old self' was literally a baby/little kid.  

DefConn definitely retreats to his room more often than he used to, but he also comes out and talks to us or is present in the common areas of the house.  He also struggled a lot on our trip to TX because he was surrounded by adults only and couldn't relate.  Especially since grandpa's 90 and my aunt and uncle and our friends are childless.  So he was kind of 'in his phone' all week because there was literally nothing else to do. 

So...I have no idea if this is a similar vibe or not with LW's granddaughter.  Also, Jr High is SO HARD on girls.  It's hard on all kids, but my friends with girls seem to have a lot more to say about the downsides of the experience. 

levioosa

Obviously depression and anxiety have always been a problem for kids (she said as exhibit A), however the depression and anxiety I have been seeing in clinic during the pandemic has been next level. I have never seen so much abject depression and anxiety and suicidality before. And it’s not like there’s an abundance of great pediatric resources for this. 

Definitely grandma can tell granddaughter that she’s noticed some things and is there to talk, but I think a conversation with the parents and trying to get kid some help is in order too. A surly pre-teen/teen is one thing. Good god Junior highers are the worst. But quitting things she loved? Calling herself a misfit? Literally (if this is true) never smiling? Those are red flags.