Am I being love-bombed?

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

How do you know if you’re getting love-bombed? This guy and I met several months ago, but I was in a relationship. We started dating six weeks ago. He just told me he loved me. He’s also been doing nice things, like getting me flowers often and then he got me a diamond necklace the night he told me he loved me. I’m not a very romantic person, and none of this screams over the top to me, I just am a little freaked out. Most of my relationships have been pretty bad. In addition, I’ve lost a lot of closeness with all of my local friends who have settled down and have started having kids. I barely see them and we rarely go out. I’ve mostly started going out with my boyfriend’s friends, so I don’t really have anybody to talk to or see how he acts. I’m not sure if this is normal and I’ve just never had a very good boyfriend, or if this is actual love-bombing. The thing that really got me started thinking about if this relationship is problematic was he started talking about paying for us to go on a trip to Europe in December. He thinks it’s magical and I would absolutely love it (I love Christmas). He hasn’t pushed it, just mentioned it. What do you think?

—The Bomb.com

STARMOON44

I mean I would return the necklace because it’s not an appropriate gift and would make me uncomfortable and I’d also not go to Europe with this dud

Casadena

I always thought that love-bombing was more in the context of an abusive relationship and kind of used as the hook to bring someone back after berating, putting them down, etc. So that doesn't seem like this to me in that sense, but it does feel liek it's moving much faster than LW would like and I also would not keep a diamond necklace or go to Europe with someone who's giving me these vibes. 

CharmedPam

You’re right on what I also view love bombing to be, @Casadena and this doesn’t seem like it. Also, I need to know if she’s avoiding friends on her own accord? Or is he asking her to? Maybe he doesn’t even know her friends are going to the wayside and he doesn’t even know there’s a problem?

VarunaTT

It probably is and the fact that you've been in bad relationships before makes you exceptionally receptive to love bombing and questioning your judgment about it.  It's gaslighting, but it's hard to tell b/c it doesn't seem negative.

LW has to decide what they want to do, verbalize it to new person, and follow through on it.  If they can't do that yet, break up, and get therapy.

short+sassy

I've sometimes heard of love-bombing being done at the beginning of a relationship.  With words and gestures that are over the top, only for the person to turn out to be possessive and controlling later.

But I personally don't think those kind of first gestures always mean the person is bad and a danger.  But it can be a sign they are emotionally immature and think every person they date a few times is "the one", ie falls in and out of love quickly.

It wouldn't be a dealbreaker...yet...for me.  However, the LW should tell him that he's moving too fast and they would like more time to get to know each other better before using the word "love" and planning big vacations.

levioosa

Casadena said:

I always thought that love-bombing was more in the context of an abusive relationship and kind of used as the hook to bring someone back after berating, putting them down, etc. So that doesn't seem like this to me in that sense, but it does feel liek it's moving much faster than LW would like and I also would not keep a diamond necklace or go to Europe with someone who's giving me these vibes. 

It can be, but it’s also what gets the person hooked on the relationship in the first place. Abusers don’t usually start off with beatings, or berating their partner. It’s almost always much more insidious. So by the time you start to get uncomfortable or unsure you look back and think “they must love me, look at all of the nice things they’ve done and said. They’re just having an off day.” Until the off days are the normal days but then they’re just so sweet afterwards it gaslights you into thinking it was an off day again. 

And yes, I think this is love bombing. The same way I thought it was love bombing when SIL B’s ex went out and bought the car she had been coveting for years and then gave it to her to drive after only dating for three months. (Spoiler alert, red flags were eventually proved).

VarunaTT

Love bombing is usually part of a pattern for a narcissist or a borderline personality disorder.  The difference between the two diagnoses are the base intention/fears of the personality disorder.  But love bombing is a way to make the receiver feel very special, like they've never been so understood, that the giver is just a perfect match, everything you ever wanted, and just that Hallmark unreal romance.  It's an infatuation that is very different from other things.  Having lived through it with K, I can tell you that literally no red flags went off for me at all, I honestly just thought I had found my partner for life and...maybe most importantly, my friends had no red flags about it either.  The very first time, this phase lasts for a long time and completely wraps you in bonds to the giver.

Then the pattern starts up, will go through whatever it goes through, and then restarts at love-bombing.  It's why it's so hard to leave, b/c of the damage it does to your brain/emotions.  I had an article saved that I read multiple times/day to keep myself from K, b/c there's even a post-breakup pattern that I had to avoid and it's why I was absolutely (and remain so) no communication at all.

VarunaTT

This is the article I had saved.  I think I just unsaved it...maybe 6 months ago?  I read it every day, at least once, for probably a year and a half.  It was definitely a rough journey.  IDK that I can say I've forgiven K, but I have forgiven myself.  ETA:  Just for some understanding of how hard that love boming is, how the personality doing it seeks out a receptive personality, etc.

https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

short+sassy

VarunaTT said:

This is the article I had saved.  I think I just unsaved it...maybe 6 months ago?  I read it every day, at least once, for probably a year and a half.  It was definitely a rough journey.  IDK that I can say I've forgiven K, but I have forgiven myself.  ETA:  Just for some understanding of how hard that love boming is, how the personality doing it seeks out a receptive personality, etc.

https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

I realize I'm only a second-hand online observer who only heard your side of the K relationship.  But some of the things talked about in the article really matched what I remember about the stories and feelings you talked about, at the time.

I know that was a tough time for you and am glad you had the anchor of that article to help get through it.

downtondiva

A diamond necklace after six weeks of dating? Even if it isn't love bombing, this guy is coming on way VERY strong, and that could be a sign of other potential problems, like getting too serious too quickly or thinking that romantic relationships are only about the grand gestures. 

If you have any concerns whatsoever about him potentially being abusive, don't go to Europe with him. It's probably too soon for something that big anyway.

charlotte989875

This is too much, too early. I’m more concerned about saying I love you after 6 weeks of dating than the necklace. Decline the trip to Europe and see what he says. If he’s fine with it, maybe he’s just a lot. But if he gets weird or the lavish gifts continue I’d keep my distance.