This is all...odd. The friend's story and LW's reactions.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I have a long-time friend who recently dropped a bomb on our long-time friend group. She told us that her husband of 30 years is a narcissist and has been cheating on her since day one of her marriage. We have known for years that he is an alcoholic, and he is a lovable guy that my husband gets along well with. She tells us he sleeps with other women and other men, and that he tracks her car, her messages, everything. She says he’s taken out multiple mortgages on the house without her knowledge and all the finances are kept secret. She has no evidence to back any of this up and all she wants is to be believed and be heard. Against my better judgment, I’m asked to believe her. How do I move forward?

She will not leave him because she says she is “trauma bonded” to him. How can we even be friends with her husband anymore? I feel bad. He’s a nice guy, but in order to believe her, it seems our only choice is to cut him off, but they are still together. It’s an awful toxic situation. We have a wedding coming up, which they were both informed about but I don’t want both of them there because they act all happy together and I will be thinking about it during my daughter’s happiest day. I am sick just thinking about this horrible situation. Sometimes I feel like she is exaggerating or lying to be the center of attention. Maybe they are both narcissists?! Am I being duped? I pray for them and I told her to separate and ask her parents for help. I confronted him about his drinking and she freaked out and said he would “kill her.” She always has an excuse not to leave. I have nothing like this in my own life and my husband and I just want to protect our sanity, but we love and care for them both. Any advice?

—Sad Friend

banana468

Quite honestly if someone said that to me and they were of an age where their peers' children were getting married I'd begin to question the mental health of a person who said that without any way to validate it.   I'd want to support my friend with what she's going through but would also want to keep talking to my friend to see if there isn't any kind of mental decline/paranoia that they're facing. 

The idea that you'd just stay with a partner who may put you in a place to have absolutely nothing left when you're likely close to retirement with no financial recourse is mind boggling to me.    At minimum, see if you can get your friend to a forensic accountant to look things through thoroughly.

charlotte989875

You already know he’s an alcoholic. Not saying all alcoholics are narcissists, but I’d be inclined to believe someone who is sharing their alcoholic spouse has also been abusive and controlling. Alcoholics (and abusers) can be and often are incredibly charming and persuasive- it’s how they hide their destructive behaviors. 

 She may not feel like she has a safe exit plan. If she truly fears he may kill her she will need a lot of time and planning to get out. I would keep being someone she can talk to, without judgement. You don’t need to “do” anything about her husband right now- if you see him be cordial, if she’s really in an abusive situation he could see a change in how people treat him as she’s betrayed him and the abuse could get worse. Or he could use it to isolate her from any exit support. If, and really only if, she asks for help or advice suggest a counselor, a forensic accountant, and domestic violence support organizations. 

MyNameIsNot

You confronted your friend's husband about his drinking?! WTAF? You asked her for proof that he had taken out multiple mortgages and was cheating?

You need to be a friend to your friend. That means being supportive, helping her find resources when she's ready, understanding that she might not be ready for a while, and fucking believing her. You also need to realize that it isn't your place to address issues with her husband, and you just need to stay cordial when he's around.