Don't start calling them on his behalf.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I have a low stakes question that is stressing me out. I recently got married. I love my husband—he’s the best—except he has diagnosed ADHD, anxiety, and major depressive disorder.
Because of this, he is terrible at staying in touch with friends and family. They seem to understand, but I can’t help but feel bad that his parents so rarely hear from him. There is no history of family trauma, as they are extremely kind people, and the rest of his family is extremely close (think—all live within 20 minutes of each other, while we live 1000 miles away). Though they haven’t said anything, I know they want to hear more from him as they cc me on emails and also text me to ensure he replies because I remind him. I’m wondering if it’s appropriate and/or expected for me now, as their daughter-in-law, to reach out more and maybe instigate some calls? I talk to my own parents multiple times a week but have never initiated anything like that with them. Any thoughts?

—Please Call Your Mother

downtondiva

You can encourage your husband to reach out to his parents more often, but don't call or text them on his behalf expecting him to then engage in conversation, especially if he has anxiety. 

banana468

downtondiva said:

You can encourage your husband to reach out to his parents more often, but don't call or text them on his behalf expecting him to then engage in conversation, especially if he has anxiety. 

This.  

short+sassy

downtondiva said:

You can encourage your husband to reach out to his parents more often, but don't call or text them on his behalf expecting him to then engage in conversation, especially if he has anxiety. 

While I totally agree with this, there's also nothing stopping the LW from establishing more of a friendship and her own relationship with her ILs.

She doesn't have to, of course.  But a few texts or e-mails per month would be a nice way for her to get closer to them and probably make them feel better and more "in the loop", even if the info isn't usually just about him.  It also shouldn't be a phone tag thing, where she is just passing messages back and forth.

VarunaTT

If LW wants a closer relationship with her husband's family, she can pursue that.  But LW shouldn't be pursuing her husband to have a closer relationship with his family, no matter the reason.  That's all of their jobs, not hers.  Here is where the fine line between enable and support comes into play.  This isn't your lane, LW, stay put.

ILoveBeachMusic

My DIL could've written this letter! DS1 calls every 2-3 weeks and they hardly ever come to see us. We try and see them but it isn't always convenient for them. I would welcome DIL trying to establish a relationship with us but she is much like our son even though I think she does have a close relationship with her parents - they live closer to them than us.

charlotte989875

H’s mom will group text both of us when she needs an answer to something because she knows I’ll generally respond more quickly. That said, I don’t answer for him and they have their own thing I’m not a part of. His mom had also reached out to me directly when we were first engaged/serious about get togethers when they were all at camp so we also have our own relationship. 

So- if LW wants to establish her own relationship with her MIL she should do that. But she shouldn’t be sharing personal details that her H otherwise wouldnt share. My relationship with my MIL, and she’ll occasionally ask about H when he’s really busy but I keep it light and generic because I know he’ll tell his parents what he wants when he wants to. 

banana468

Yeah - MIL will call me for the incidentals like "hey what can I bring to dinner?" but as far as catching up with parents it's on DH.  And when they weren't living in town I'd say, "Dude it's Sunday.  You know your mom wants you to call."  Sometimes he didn't but I felt like I at least did my good wife duty. 

flantastic

ILoveBeachMusic said:

My DIL could've written this letter! DS1 calls every 2-3 weeks and they hardly ever come to see us. We try and see them but it isn't always convenient for them. I would welcome DIL trying to establish a relationship with us but she is much like our son even though I think she does have a close relationship with her parents - they live closer to them than us.

Get your act together, DS1! lol

My H's frequency of contact with his family is on him, but I also don't have concerns about it. I do not call my MIL to chat. I do help make sure we see them reasonably often, though.

levioosa

My H calls my dad occasionally and my dad calls him allll the time. Tbh he talks to my dad more than his own. I feel bad because H (and his younger sister) are the favorites. Sometimes I do have to remind him to at least text his dad if not call. Mostly because SIL A tells me their dad has been asking her what he’s doing and if he’s heard anything and then she tells me and asks me to tell H and it’s a thing but I guess it’s working as well as it can. H needs a little reminding sometimes. 

ILoveBeachMusic

flantastic said:

ILoveBeachMusic said:

My DIL could've written this letter! DS1 calls every 2-3 weeks and they hardly ever come to see us. We try and see them but it isn't always convenient for them. I would welcome DIL trying to establish a relationship with us but she is much like our son even though I think she does have a close relationship with her parents - they live closer to them than us.

Get your act together, DS1! lol

My H's frequency of contact with his family is on him, but I also don't have concerns about it. I do not call my MIL to chat. I do help make sure we see them reasonably often, though.

LOL I wondered if you would respond! I'm sure DIL reminds him once in a while to call us. It has gotten better since he has a job with a 20 minute commute. He will usually call on his way home. DD did that before she had the twins.

MyNameIsNot

This one screams dated gender roles to me. I cannot imagine a man questioning whether he should encourage his wife to call her parents more often or if he should step in to keep the relationship going.