Did Jason ever tell you how they repaired things? That could help?

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

A few years ago, my wonderful friend Jason called me in tears, saying that he was really struggling with his relationship with his wife, Jessica. I already knew that Jessica dealt with mental health challenges. However, I didn’t know that when she was having a hard time, she would lash out at Jason, calling him names, belittling him, yelling at him, etc. When Jason called me this time, Jessica had thrown a glass at him the day before. Jason described feelings of fear and isolation and described the relationship as borderline abusive. While we talked, Jason decided that he was going to give Jessica an ultimatum: “Get into therapy, or I’m leaving.”

Fast forward to today, and the ultimatum appears to have worked. Jason and Jessica are doing well. Jessica no longer drinks, and per Jason, her mental health is under control. Jason seems happy. Here’s my issue: I HATE spending time with Jessica. I want to like her, but I don’t know how to let go of what happened, even though Jason clearly has. When I spend time with them, I’m constantly looking for ways she undermines or criticizes Jason. When I complain about her to my husband, he gently points out that I’ve overreacted, and I think he’s right. How do I get past this?

—Overprotective Friend

VarunaTT

Oof, this is one of the reasons I tell people not to discuss their relationship woes with just anyone.  I told one of my friends, he hurt you, and you guys went through a healing process.  I don't have that process, so I'm just still ready to beat the hell out of someone who hurt my friend.

LW, you're going to have to force yourself through teh process.  You were mad b/c she hurt your friend.  She appears to have made massive amends, and you're going to have to work on reframing things in your mind about her.

banana468

VarunaTT said:

Oof, this is one of the reasons I tell people not to discuss their relationship woes with just anyone.  I told one of my friends, he hurt you, and you guys went through a healing process.  I don't have that process, so I'm just still ready to beat the hell out of someone who hurt my friend.

LW, you're going to have to force yourself through teh process.  You were mad b/c she hurt your friend.  She appears to have made massive amends, and you're going to have to work on reframing things in your mind about her.

All of this.  Also, stepping in and inserting an opinion can isolate you from your friend. 

short+sassy

At least it sounds like the LW is "faking it, until she's making it".

I'd suggest she keep repeating a script in her head, that reminds her of all the positive steps Jessica has made.  And that she made those steps because she saw the problem herself and wanted to change.  She loves Jason and knew he deserved a better version of herself.