Wedding Woes

Your social media can be private, you know. Also, is he worth it?

Dear Prudence,

My partner and I have been together for four years and haven’t had a vacation together since the pandemic, so we are planning a couple’s ski holiday overseas. He has two children with his ex, and they alternate holidays. We have Thanksgiving this year and are taking the kids to his parents’ place. The problem is that their mother is bitter, hateful, and obsessed with stalking me on social media. I have already set my social media to private, but she makes fake profiles to spy on me. I had a minor plastic surgery that the children didn’t know about, but their mother felt free to throw it in my face during a drop-off. I have already deleted and restarted several different social media pages, but I do love to keep up with friends and family. I love my partner and his kids are great, but a big reason why we haven’t moved our relationship further is that I am very leery about potential conflict with his ex. We don’t live together when the kids come over. I maintain my own home with a roommate. His previous partner left because his ex showed up at her workplace and harassed her. So far the courts and even mandatory therapy hasn’t put a dent in her behavior.

Even if we keep everything under wraps until after we come back, the minute she gets a whiff about our vacation, she is going to turn around and tell the kids how awful daddy and that “woman” are for going, and they didn’t want you there. My partner tells me not to worry, but his ex has pulled similar stunts in the past. We went to an adults-only charity event at the zoo and got photos with several of the animals. Try explaining to a little girl why you got to meet the monkeys and didn’t invite her (and her mom tells her it is because she is unwanted). So what do we do?

—Ski Trip

Re: Your social media can be private, you know. Also, is he worth it?

  • Can you lock down your life more?  But also....can you trust him??
  • I'm in the "Is this guy worth it?" camp.
  • I wouldn’t date this guy. 
  • You and your partner need a better plan for how to handle how you talk with his children about her behavior. Neither you nor he can control how she acts but you can be clear that you both love them, they absolutely are wanted and adored and are a part of your family. And that sometimes adults do things without children and that doesn’t mean the children aren’t loved. 

    I can’t tell from the letter if the partner is doing any of these things or not, but if he is dismissive of how she’s acting then I’d be considering the future of the relationship. If he’s just as frustrated and concerned I’d talk about how you two together will be handling it moving forward. 

    Also- you may want public social media but that’s clearly not working for you now. Make private accounts, control who has access to your information, and be diligent about what you post. It sucks but if you him in your life this may be one of the things you need to be a little more private about. 
  • I’ve basically stopped posting much of anything on social media and I rarely even “like” anything any more. I’m a shadow profile. I keep them to see friends and family but honestly my personal posting is nil. That is an option, you know, LW. SIL A doesn’t even have a FB. She got burned on MySpace (lol) back in the day and called it quits on social media ever since. Meanwhile SIL B (who is almost ten years old) won’t stop posting stuff and is constantly having drama. She’ll tout a break from social media and then post two days later. Just stop posting! 

  • To be fair, it's hard for me to understand this letter because I'm not much of a social media person.  I realize anything I post under my name/profile can be seen by the whole world, so I don't post anything that's private in any way.

    I don't know why the LW just doesn't keep a private social media account, but still not post anything on it that she wouldn't want the ex-wife to know.

    But the zoo story reminded me of something more lighthearted that happened in my childhood.

    My dad was an electrician and he worked on one of the new "lands" that Disneyland created in their park.  I think it was Toon Town (something like that).  Before the grand public opening, Disneyland closed the park for an evening and invited everyone who worked on the project to come to a private party.  Free food and drinks, with full run of the park.

    I was around 10-11 and my sister was probably 6-7.  He was showing my mom the invitation and talked about it in our presence. 

    My sister and I got really excited and started talking about how much fun that would be.  My dad and mom both got a sad look on their faces.  My dad explained he could only bring one guest, so he was taking mom.  But he promised they would take us sometime after the grand opening.

    My sister and I were speechless!!!  WHAT?  Our parents are going to Disneyland?  WITHOUT US!!!!  This could not stand, lol.

    Me being the older one, I started the negotiations.  "Can we go to Disneyland within one month of the grand opening?"  That was agreed to.  My sister and I were still side-eying, but somewhat mollified.  And my parents did keep their promise. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2023
    On one hand, someone stalking you online (or IRL) is not your fault and it's bullshit if it's an ex-friend, lover, or your partner's ex.   

    However, LW find some sense of self-protection.  You said you made your shit private, but stop approving new accounts to follow you.  Also, you control what you post...and it doesn't have to be everything either. 

    But the bigger issue is that LW doesn't mention ANY mitigation tactics that her BF is taking to get his ex to knock it the fuck off.  She's already ran off another partner.  Instead of a trip (or if both can be afforded, y'all clearly have some fluid income since you got plastic surgery...which is not a judgement, just a fact), why isn't he hauling her back into court to discuss her behavior and parental alienation efforts.  She's clearly been caught on this pattern of behavior before.  Also, I know there's parenting apps now where you can have a judge order that all communication goes through them and any outside communication get you held in contempt.  

    IDK if I'd find him worth all this.  Geeze. 
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