My BF stays friendly with his exes and I don't like it.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My boyfriend, who is in his 50s, seems to have a strong need/desire to stay friends with all his ex-girlfriends. Not just one, but most. He doesn’t introduce me to them, he spends quality time with them going to dinner, buying them gifts, and talking on the phone. I’ve told him his closeness to his ex-partners makes me feel insecure, but that I’m willing to work on my insecurity, because that’s my piece of the issue. My question is, shouldn’t he work on exploring why he feels compelled to collect these ex partners as friends and keep them so close? No one in my social circle thinks this is normal, and I’m embarrassed to tell my friends and family when they ask what he’s up to, and I have to say, “oh he’s just out to dinner with (insert one of many ex gf’s names).” Am I wrong to ask him to explore why he feels the need to stay friends with all these women? Or is it just my job to get over it?

—Too Many Exes in My Space

banana468

What's odd is why is he not introducing you to them? 

I like to quote the great Chris Rock, "If you've been dating a man for 6 months and you haven't met his friends, you are not his girlfriend."  If he's close enough to these people to stay in touch and buy them gifts and spend time with them but you haven't met them, the reason it doesn't pass your smell test is because IMO it shouldn't. 

short+sassy

I'm not an especially jealous person so, while it's unusual he's friends with so many exes, it wouldn't necessarily bother me...

...until it got to the part where the LW isn't invited and has never met any of them.  It's normal for people to meet their SO's close friends, even if they are exes.

This isn't passing my smell test either.

downtondiva

It's not inherently wrong to stay friends with exes, but his behavior is more like he's still dating them. Dinners and gifts? Not introducing them to LW?

Sounds to me like he might be trying to keep his options open. 

VarunaTT

This is a red flag for my past history, b/c this can be a flag for narcissitic behavior.  This level of attachment to exes, I wonder if they are his "fallback stable" for when he's single again.

ETA:  I say this as someone who, after the 3 year anniversary of me throwing them out of my apartment, just got contacted by K AGAIN, b/c they can't see beyond their own warped reality.  K was in regular contact with every.single.ex they ever had except one other --- who also cut off contact with themand when the relationship ended and still does (to my knowledge).