Are you in therapy?

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

What’s the polite, adult way to react when people deeply judge something they don’t know you are also going through? I tried changing the subject but it didn’t stick, and I suspect this will continue to be a problem for me for at least as long as the topic is salacious in the friend group.

For context, an acquaintance of ours recently broke up with her boyfriend and announced over text that she was diving headfirst into casual encounters because she and her boyfriend haven’t had sex in nearly a year. At a recent party, everyone was talking about it saying things like “that’s unhealthy!” “how could you stay in a relationship like that” “we would never go without!” and overall all doing a wink-wink, nudge-nudge about having good sex lives and that not having sex is a death knell.

Meanwhile, I have PTSD from some previous experiences, and some other mental health stuff I’m too ashamed to share here. My partner and I have sex maybe once or twice a month, and last year it was even less often. And I feel very guilty about the loss of my previously big sex drive, although my partner is kind and calm and good about just doing cuddles and kisses. But everyone talking about it repeatedly makes me feel really sad and ashamed, and I don’t know how to navigate around these conversations. We’re all in our early 30s and both personally and professionally connected, so I see these people a lot, even if I chose to spend more time with my other friends while this topic wears off.

—Wish I Were Doing It More

charlotte989875

If this isn’t your typical libido and as the name implies you wish you were doing it more- it’s time for therapy. And I’d you’re already in therapy maybe someone who experiences in the type of trauma you survived or work with a sex therapist. 

You shouldn’t have to disclose what’s happening in your own bedroom to your friends, but they don’t know they’re doing something hurtful- especially if your friend is there and participating in these conversations. If changing the subject doesn’t help then it’s time for you to get a drink, refill your snacks, take a break. People won’t talk about it all night long. 

VarunaTT

Her situation is not your situation.  Stop taking negative emotions in about something that isn't your lane or worry.

Then, therapy for tools on how to do that and to discuss how you need to handle your internal emotions about this.

Her situation has just brought your feelings to the forefront and that's what you have to deal with.  From what it sounds, you have (with your partner) an agreed upon sexual relationship that both of you are okay with.  That was not her case, so don't let hers influence yours.