You can't control what happens.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

About a year ago, I asked my wife for a divorce. We got married about a decade ago when same-sex marriage became legal in a nearby jurisdiction, but we have been together 20 years. The reason I asked for a divorce was that I developed feelings for someone else and I realized I had been unhappy for a long time. The other woman was also married and not available, but I did not think continuing on with my marriage was fair to either my wife or myself. When I left, I continued to provide financially for my wife. We live in a state that requires a long separation period and we are still several months away from being able to file for divorce. I know that she will struggle greatly without my help, but the truth is this is one of the reasons I needed to end our marriage. She refuses to take any responsibility.

And I feel like I’m drowning trying to keep up two households. I don’t want her to suffer, but I don’t think I can keep doing this once we are divorced. How do I reconcile myself with knowing she’s likely going to be unable to live how she’s accustomed and she’ll be miserable?

—I Still Care But…

banana468

I think you should sit down and talk to an attorney and counselor.  You can't control the future but you can be clear about your financial obligations. 

VarunaTT

Because, LW, once the ink is dry, it is no longer your responsibility to worry about.  I was in much the same situation with exH and it was one of the reasons for our divorce.  But you are not in charge of another adult and you are not responsible for taking that level of care of another adult when they are not pulling their weight either (whatever it is that y'all agreed to, mine went far above and beyond what we agreed to).  You're enabling her and that's not okay for you.

short+sassy

It's a long separation process and then the divorce is going to take awhile also.  That's plenty of time for the wife to get her head out of her ass and figure it out. 

If she wants to keep living the "life she has become accustomed to" (eyeroll) then she'll get a job/better job or have to downgrade some things.  Not the LW's responsibility anymore once the divorce is final, other than they might have to pay alimony for a period of time.

I'm wondering if her guilt over being the one to leave is part of where these feelings are coming from.  I understand the LW being concerned about someone they loved for 20 years.  But the thought they will continue supporting this person after the divorce is some very "over the top" generosity. 

kerbohl

short+sassy said:

It's a long separation process and then the divorce is going to take awhile also.  That's plenty of time for the wife to get her head out of her ass and figure it out. 

If she wants to keep living the "life she has become accustomed to" (eyeroll) then she'll get a job/better job or have to downgrade some things.  Not the LW's responsibility anymore once the divorce is final, other than they might have to pay alimony for a period of time.

I'm wondering if her guilt over being the one to leave is part of where these feelings are coming from.  I understand the LW being concerned about someone they loved for 20 years.  But the thought they will continue supporting this person after the divorce is some very "over the top" generosity. 

I know someone who did that.  Bought the ex a house for her and her boyfriend, paid for a tonne of stuff .... and refuses to get remarried or think about another relationship because in his mind he will always be married to his now ex.  To each their own I guess?