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He doesn't respect your needs, dump him.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

I’ve been dating “John” for several months. Because of certain practical issues, we haven’t slept over with each other much. I am a bit of a light sleeper and don’t really like sleeping in someone else’s bed. Recently, there were a few instances where it was more convenient for me to sleep with him. The only reason I agreed to this is that he sleeps like the dead and has a nice setup so that I wouldn’t hear him when he gets up. I sleep well with him, but the issue is that he doesn’t respect my desire to get a full night’s sleep. I have a chronic illness that can mildly flair if I don’t get enough sleep. I can sometimes get away with an hour less, but not more. I have always, even before I was sick, valued my sleep. John doesn’t. He likes to get up early to do things even if we have had a late night out. I have told him a few times that I don’t want to wake up early for things. He is usually good about this, but every so often he thinks something is so important that he should wake me up.

This happened over the weekend. To be fair, he found an event that I would have absolutely loved, but it was fairly early. Usually if he does this, he will let me go back to sleep but for some reason, he didn’t this time. On top of that, if I am awake too long in the early morning, I won’t go back to sleep. John was pretty relentless about getting me up, so finally I turned over and sleepily said “leave me the fuck alone.”

He looked stunned and I was, luckily, able to fall back asleep. When I got up, John was gone but left a note saying my behavior was shockingly atrocious and he didn’t want to see me for a while. I have gone back and forth about my behavior. Generally, when in a fight, I think it’s not ok to say something bad about the person or to use something I know about them against them, but I’ve never cussed someone out before. I’m worried I crossed a line. On the other hand, I could not get him to leave me alone and it seemed like a bit of a sleepy “survival” tactic at the moment. I am a bit upset that John didn’t listen to me the first time. I’m wondering if you can give me a verdict on whether my behavior was as bad as my boyfriend sees it.

—Sleepy Fight

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Re: He doesn't respect your needs, dump him.

  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    You’re responsible for the maintenance of your condition, not John. If you agreed to the early morning event then it’s on you to go to bed early to ensure you’ll get enough rest. If you didn’t agree and told John you wouldn’t be attending with him and you needed to rest then he sucks for going against what you two presumably agreed on. 

    I do think you were out of line in what you said (and really what matters is that John was hurt by it). Sounds like you two need some breathing room until you can both handle this more maturely. 
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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    My husband would absolutely say that to me if I didn't respect his need for sleep and I sprang something on him at the last minute.   

    Did you use unkind words?  Yes.  Were they justified in the fatigue and unresolved sleep?  Possibly.

    I do think you and John are not compatible.  You should dump him because he continues to not respect your need for sleep and springs things on you at the last minute.  Both would be deal breakers for me. 
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    VarunaTT said:
    The difference between "leave me alone" and "leave me the fuck alone" is seriously negligible to me.  If he's really hurt over the use of the word fuck, that alone would be non-compatible for me.

    He has chosen to decide that his want of going someplace at what sounds like the last minute is more important than your previously expressed, and in this instance for a medical reason, desire for a specific amount of sleep. 

    I know i keep saying peace out, but honestly, there are more than 4 men in the world and I'm not sure why people keep twisting themselves up for men who are inconsiderate, don't listen, and elevate their own needs above their partners.  Period.  I'd rather be alone.
    This. I seriously could not be married to someone who would go cry in the corner at the word fuck. 
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    kerbohl said:
    Umm .... so someone was sleepy, another person tried to wake them when they were foggy and wanted more sleep, and they are upset the person acted out of character?  Don't they have coffee mugs that joke about cranky people who aren't fully awake in the morning?  I talk in my sleep and have been known to give untrue answers to questions asked.  I do not feel like I am at fault there.  If you want to engage with me when I am half-awake or possibly fully asleep, you get what you get.  
    These are more coffee-related, than sleep-related.  But I think there is a strong correlation:

    There is a dish towel hanging on my oven right now that says, "I love you, but not always before coffee."

    I have a mug that says, "A Yawn is a Silent Scream for Coffee."
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    kerbohl said:
    Umm .... so someone was sleepy, another person tried to wake them when they were foggy and wanted more sleep, and they are upset the person acted out of character?  Don't they have coffee mugs that joke about cranky people who aren't fully awake in the morning?  I talk in my sleep and have been known to give untrue answers to questions asked.  I do not feel like I am at fault there.  If you want to engage with me when I am half-awake or possibly fully asleep, you get what you get.  
    I can't tell the kiddo anything until he's awake for about a full 30 minutes or he'll have no idea we had a conversation. 

    This LW's BF is an asshat, especially since they explained they have a condition where they need proper rest, have been hesitant to spend the night because of said condition, and is sharing clear examples of him not taking LW seriously.  And he wants to be the injured party because LW used 'fuck'?  He's a fucking child. 
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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    mrsconn23 said:
    kerbohl said:
    Umm .... so someone was sleepy, another person tried to wake them when they were foggy and wanted more sleep, and they are upset the person acted out of character?  Don't they have coffee mugs that joke about cranky people who aren't fully awake in the morning?  I talk in my sleep and have been known to give untrue answers to questions asked.  I do not feel like I am at fault there.  If you want to engage with me when I am half-awake or possibly fully asleep, you get what you get.  
    I can't tell the kiddo anything until he's awake for about a full 30 minutes or he'll have no idea we had a conversation. 

    This LW's BF is an asshat, especially since they explained they have a condition where they need proper rest, have been hesitant to spend the night because of said condition, and is sharing clear examples of him not taking LW seriously.  And he wants to be the injured party because LW used 'fuck'?  He's a fucking child. 
    Evidently the assistant principal heard me use that word yesterday.  The joys of when you think they hung up but didn't. 

    After this year they can be grateful I don't use it more often. 
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