"We experienced a tragic loss and could not recover from it."

mrsconn23

TW: Child loss 

Dear Prudence,

Four years ago, a drunk driver hit our family car and killed our son. My then-husband and I survived but were torn apart by the loss. We still care a lot about each other but couldn’t be married anymore. I’ve been divorced for two years and although I think about my son often, I feel like I’m in a more stable place with the grief, and the small rituals that let me honor him. I’m starting to pick up the pieces of my personal life: strengthening friendships that I neglected in my grief fog, revisiting old hobbies, and dipping my toes into dating again. I’ve been on a handful of first dates and nothing has really generated sparks.

But as I move forward, I’m not sure how to share this fact about myself that feels deeply private but also is very relevant to anyone I’d want to be serious with long term. I haven’t told anyone. My profile states neutrally that I’m divorced: I think it’s important info, and I’m at an age where some people aren’t married yet and others are in a second marriage. My loss is woven into the fabric of my divorce, my friendship with my ex, and my desire to move slowly in building a family in the future. But my son is so very private to me. There are so many other things I’d trust a stranger with before I’d trust them with this story. Also, not to be glib, but grief is a downer and I don’t want to bring it up early. When is the right time to share this information?

—Trying Again

short+sassy

This is a tough one because one of the first questions people ask either on a first date or before meeting.  Why she got divorced is also a typical question.  I think it can be deflected on the first few dates, but will come up sooner rather than later as things start to become slightly more serious with someone.

When I was single and dating someone who was divorced, I wanted to know why for a few reasons before we got serious.  It would give me more understanding on what they want out of a relationship and possibly alert me if we might have a similar problem.  Same thing with major relationships in someone's past, whether they were divorced or not.  I didn't need the nitty-gritty details.  But the broad strokes.

It's also one thing to mention they have a son who passed vs. telling the whole, private story.  For example, if they're asked if they have any children they could say something like, "I had a son who passed away, but no other children.  It's not something I want to talk about right now."

VarunaTT

I don't think I'd put it on a dating profile, but I'd have a pat answer, similar to what @short+sassy said, as well as a practiced question to go right after to avoid any awkwardness.  Probably an earlier date, but not first date.

MyNameIsNot

I would put this somewhere in the 1-2 month category. Enough dates that you're starting to suss out whether this is going to be a relationship, but early enough that you're really just starting to have those conversations about why your marriage didn't work out. 

I would be a little misleading and say that I didn't have any kids at the outset unless that feels like a lie or erasing the kid. Protecting yourself early in a relationship is reasonable.