Dear Prudence,
I recently finalized my divorce from an emotionally abusive, gaslighting alcoholic. It was difficult and took me years to find the courage to do so, and also leave behind the hard-partying lifestyle myself. My ex-husband and I were very close with another couple, let’s call them Sam and Mary.
Sam and Mary partied heavily with us for years, and Mary and I would have discussions about wanting to live healthier lives and coax our husbands to drink less. I confided in her about some of the behaviors my ex exhibited to me, and my ex also verbally abused both Sam and Mary and Mary’s family on multiple occasions. She was never particularly supportive regarding the verbal abuse, instead writing off his behavior due to drinking or being very “in love” with me. Sam and Mary remain very close with my ex, but Mary and I have remained cordial and gotten together a handful of times.
Each time we’ve hung out since my divorce, Mary has confided in me that she is extremely unhappy in her marriage, complains about Sam’s drinking, and even calls him emotionally abusive. She tells me she can’t talk to anyone else about this. I have told her I don’t feel like a suitable confidante and have recommended therapy (which she turns down as a suggestion), but privately I’m incredibly hurt as I feel like she was part of the reason I stayed with my abuser for so long. I can’t tell if she just misses the old connection of complaining about our husbands, if things really have escalated in her relationship with Sam, or if she’s even telling the truth. What do I do here? Am I obligated to stay a friend to someone who is potentially suffering from emotional abuse, or can I abandon this friendship?
—Don’t Have the Bandwidth