She sounds unreasonable, but the 'joke' was unkind.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My sister-in-law is infertile and makes it everyone’s problem. Every conversation is a minefield.  She gets upset if you talk about kids or you don’t talk about kids. She locked herself in the bathroom over a holiday meal because my sister mentioned she was pregnant again. She has screamed at me over my child-free stance and struggle to get sterilized because “how dare I waste my womb when there are other women in the world that want but can’t have babies.”

At Thanksgiving, my fiancé and I announced our engagement and he made a joke about getting used to the “stepkids” (I have some pet goats on my property). My sister-in-law decided to step in and lecture us that wasn’t funny and the wedding would be a waste since we weren’t planning to be a “real” family because we didn’t want kids. I snapped that what did that make her and my brother then? They sure as hell didn’t have any kids.

My sister-in-law predictably turned on the waterworks and locked herself in the guest bedroom while my fiancé and I beat an early retreat from my parents. My brother is furious with me. My parents think I should have just been silent because I know how she gets. My sister told me she wishes she could have witnessed the entire conversation because she is so sick of walking on eggshells around our sister-in-law. We have been sympathetic but after seven years of her drama, we are sick to death about it. My fiancé and I are going to his parents for Christmas but we did have a family vacation set up in the spring. What should we do?

—Final Straw

short+sassy

I get that the SIL is her own set of a terrible person.  But mean and rude things she said is no excuse to make such an incredibly cruel comment to her.  It just makes the LW an even bigger AH.

Still, I don't think it's a big enough deal to bail out of a family vacation that is months from now.  Unless the LW and her fiance are so tired of the SIL, they want to avoid her.

Perhaps the LW is willing to try and clear the air.  Apologize for the comment and that it never should have been said.  But her vitriol that ruined the happy news was also very upsetting.

CharmedPam

This is the first time I ever read or heard “waste of a womb” for someone who would prefer to go childless

short+sassy

CharmedPam said:

This is the first time I ever read or heard “waste of a womb” for someone who would prefer to go childless

Maybe not that phrase, but I've heard similar sentiments.

Believe you me.  If I could magically transport my womb "Star Trek" style to an infertile woman who wants children, that would be awesome for both of us.

But since such technology does not exist, it's a bizarre stance that someone should have a child just because they physically can.

The other thing that makes me laugh about it is, if the LW has never tried to have a child, then she might be infertile also.  It's not like people who don't want children go to fertility specialists, just to see their child-bearing/sperm strength potential for shits and giggles.

mrsconn23

CharmedPam said:

This is the first time I ever read or heard “waste of a womb” for someone who would prefer to go childless

I'm sure pro-birth activists say and think these kinds of things.  I just can't imagine a family member saying it to me over thanksgiving turkey.  

Prudie was actually on SIL's side and basically admonished LW for being a dick to her.  But if someone can't have a regular-ass conversation without it being about their infertility and they weaponize it against people, then losing your cool is understandable.  It doesn't excuse cruelty, but I think telling someone they're 'wasting' their womb is just as cruel as LW shooting back that SIL and brother aren't a 'real family' either since they don't have kids. 

That said, I'd go on the vacation and just interact with her as little as possible.  I'd also ask my parents why they aren't telling my brother and his wife that their behavior is contributing to the family divide since everyone has empathy for their situation, but it's not the end of the world and can't be the thing every family gathering revolves around. 

levioosa

CharmedPam said:

This is the first time I ever read or heard “waste of a womb” for someone who would prefer to go childless

Not my first time. I also hear it in regards to abortions. “How dare you get one when people so desperately want children.” Yeah. They do, I don’t. Bff was one of those. It was like pulling teeth to get her to look or even consider outside her own view of loss and grief. In her mind abortion was just selfish because she so desperately wanted a baby. It was so odd because she could understand being childfree by choice. 

charlotte989875

levioosa said:

CharmedPam said:

This is the first time I ever read or heard “waste of a womb” for someone who would prefer to go childless

Not my first time. I also hear it in regards to abortions. “How dare you get one when people so desperately want children.” Yeah. They do, I don’t. Bff was one of those. It was like pulling teeth to get her to look or even consider outside her own view of loss and grief. In her mind abortion was just selfish because she so desperately wanted a baby. It was so odd because she could understand being childfree by choice. 

Yah I’ve heard this before too in regards abortion. Let’s just reduce women to their wombs and nothing else. 

short+sassy

For more "people who suck" examples.

If I was talking to someone who was against same sex marriage, I'd first ask them if they believe that the church and state should be separated like in the Constitution.  They always said yes.  So then my next question would be, "Okay.  Then tell me one reason...that doesn't come from your religion...why same sex people shouldn't legally be able to get married?"

It stumped most people.  But I'd occasionally get a response that was something like the purpose of marriage was for people to have children, so that's why same sex people shouldn't get married.

Me:  "Wow.  That seems really cruel.  So should a married couple who discover they are infertile get divorced?  Since their marriage has no use anymore?  It also seems super shitty to tell post-menopausal women that they aren't allowed to get married anymore.  Welp.  I guess you don't think I should ever get married either, since I don't plan to ever have children."

Usually met with a, "No! No!  That's different."  I would ask how it's different if in their opinion, the only reason to get married is for children.  And then they'd be stumped also.

ILoveBeachMusic

I also think LW reacted out of the moment because the SIL said LW and spouse weren't a real family since they didn't want children. I'm siding with LW on this one. It would be nice for them to apologize for family peace but I would stay away from close contact in the future.

banana468

I consider myself pro-life and still find everything about that SIL to be entirely repugnant. 

The struggle with infertility can be as stressful for the couple as if they were going through cancer.  It's documented the toll it takes.   That said, the couple is expecting life around them to cater to their struggle up to the point that others around them do not get to live their lives as they see fit.  

If you constantly push people to walk on eggshells eventually they step on a sharp one, get cut and scream.  That's what the LW did.  

I'd be pretty clear to my parents that after the years of rude comments and abuse from the SIL there's nothing to apologize for and continuing to cater to these antics rather than therapy is only going to exacerbate the rift.   

As for the family vacation - I'd go and spend as much time away from them as possible.  If they keep up these antics they are going to find themselves sitting alone in an echo chamber for two.