Why can't you see how this is cruel?

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I will be getting married in a few months. We are planning and paying for the wedding ourselves. Our save-the-date cards went out a few weeks ago and my mother called me because her sister didn’t get one. I explained that we were not inviting my aunt. She is a lovely woman, but she had a daughter who was the same age as me who passed away when we were in high school. My cousin and I were very close and having her mother at my wedding will remind me of how tragically my cousin’s life was cut short. I also think it might be hard for my aunt to attend my wedding. I’m sure my milestones make her think of all the things her daughter never got to do. My mom is very upset because we are inviting the rest of the extended family. She says my aunt’s feelings will be hurt. I’ve tried to explain my reasons to my mom, but somehow by the end of every conversation about this, I end up looking like the bad guy. I’d like to think of a way to make my mom understand my position, or at least to just back off.

—It’s a Wedding, Not a Funeral

charlotte989875

This is so incredibly cruel it makes me think the LW is no where near mature enough to get married. 

You should invite your aunt. She will, of course be sad she’ll never get to have a wedding for her child. But she’ll be sad about that whether she’s at your wedding or not- and if she were there at least she’d get to celebrate with you, be happy for you, and have fun with her family. You deciding for her she doesn’t get any of that is wrong. 

mrsconn23

LW you really think your aunt will be so overcome at your wedding because of all the things her dead daughter didn't get to do that she'll cause a scene?   If not (and I don't think it's the case at all), then you're infantilizing the poor woman and leaving her out of a family event where everyone else is invited. 

It sounds like you're weaponizing your grief over losing your cousin, who was your age, and you were very close.  That's a you problem, LW.  You're being a massive asshole. 

Do not use your wedding to cause a family divide in the name of someone who's dead. I bet your cousin would want you to invite her mom to your wedding.  

Here's the fun thing about these kinds of life events, they can be happy days and also bring up feelings of sadness for all the reasons.  People can experience more than one emotion at a time.  It doesn't take away from the day. 

And yes, I agree @charlotte989875.  LW doesn't sound remotely ready to be a married person.  

ILoveBeachMusic

I agree that this is cruel. I have a cousin whose son died at 18. He was invited to DD's wedding and to his niece's wedding. Let your aunt decide if it is too much for her. You don't have that right.

CharmedPam

So never hang out with your aunt EVER because she reminds you of your cousin? That’s not normal. 

short+sassy

Geez!  LW sounds like the bad guy, because she is.

The aunt will always be sad for the things her daughter didn't live long enough to do.  But I'm sure the aunt loves her niece also.  She watched her grow up and I can't even imagine how hurt she would be to not get an invite.

Seriously, LW?  You'd rather devastate your aunt's feelings because you might have a moment or two where her presence reminds you of your deceased cousin?  Grow up!

CharmedPam

Is there more to this story? That can’t be the real reason…

ILoveBeachMusic

CharmedPam said:

Is there more to this story? That can’t be the real reason…

I was wondering the same thing!

short+sassy

CharmedPam said:

So never hang out with your aunt EVER because she reminds you of your cousin? That’s not normal. 

I was wondering about that also.  I suspect she doesn't.  But since this is her wedding she thinks that will make it "different".

She'll probably think about her cousin a little bit, whether her aunt is there or not.  Weddings will do that because they are often an opportunity for the whole family to get together.  And you'll think about the people who should be there, but have passed on (when applicable).  Though not usually obsessively and it doesn't subtract from the joy.

levioosa

You sound like the bad guy because you are the bad guy here. Go to grief counseling and mature a little before getting married. 

ei34

“I end up looking like the bad guy.”
You are the bad guy here LW.  Invite your aunt and let her decide if it’s too much, jeez. 

downtondiva

This is just plain cruel. I'm sure losing your cousin was awful, but if seeing your aunt is still so painful after all these years that you're willing to exclude her from a family event, you need counseling (or more/better counseling if you've gone already in connection with your cousin's death). And imagine how she feels - she LOST HER CHILD and now she's being punished for it? 

Sorry, but you are indeed the bad guy here. Maybe your aunt would find it too painful to attend, but that's her decision to make, not yours. Invite her and get over yourself.