Dear Prudence,My oldest son, “Ryan,” is 20 and instead of living in the college dorm has recently moved in with his first (and only) girlfriend, “Stacey.” My wife and I are helping cover his expenses, and her parents are helping cover hers but the finances are definitely not equally shared, with the extras being covered by our son via us. We were initially supportive of the move but since they’ve started living together his stress level has skyrocketed and his overall mental health seems to have declined. Stacey is very negative, snarky, and anti-social and likes to stay home and order in/play video games/watch TV. She is overweight and doesn’t have manners or a seeming ability to hold a two-way conversation but, instead, just talks at you.
Our outgoing son is now isolated and joined at the hip with her and can barely break away enough to do basic things without her tagging along. He has always been a very empathetic and caring individual—he likes to help people and wants to be the good guy but he seems to be getting dragged down into this funk of stress and negativity with his girlfriend and we are concerned that he has settled into a role that he is way too young to understand.
Our fear is that she is more mature than he is—she has had previous partners in abusive relationships, and our concern is that she is manipulating our son to restrict his movement and reach during a time when he should be free to experience being young at college. I’m not suggesting that he should go “play the field” or party hardy but how do we talk to him about setting boundaries in a healthy way with his partner when they are already living together (with costs paid by parents), going to the same school, and doing EVERYTHING together? How can we get him to embrace his identity as a unique person in this world when he has barely had a chance to figure out who he is?
—Premature Attachment