LW your feelings are valid, but this isn't the time.

mrsconn23

*TW: Child death*

Dear Prudence,

I’ve been dating “James” for just under a year. He’s a wonderful, thoughtful divorced father of three, two boys aged 19 and 13, and a daughter who is 16. Since his divorce 10 years ago, he’s only dated one other woman besides me, “Ally”, who he was with for seven years, the last year being long distance. He doesn’t talk a lot about their relationship but it seems like they only broke up because she moved away for work and they couldn’t make long-distance work.

About six weeks ago, James’ oldest son died in a tragic accident. In the first couple of days after the accident, his ex-wife had to be hospitalized and sedated, his youngest son would hardly talk and had nightmares, and his daughter locked herself away in her room. James was trying to hold it together for everyone and I tried to support him.

And then Ally flew into town as soon as she heard the news. Although she got a hotel room, she came to the house almost immediately and it was like she had never left. The kids embraced and opened up to her. They openly cried, his youngest fell asleep snuggled up to her on the couch, and wouldn’t leave her side. She was comfortable around the house, cooking and cleaning, and knowing what everyone needed—even James’ ex-wife, who sobbed in her arms when she saw her. Even though I was there, I felt like an outsider and didn’t know quite what to do. James didn’t act any different toward me when she was there but one morning when I got up, I did stumble upon them in the kitchen in an embrace, both of them crying. It was the first time I saw him cry since he got the news.

At the funeral, Ally sat with James, his ex-wife, and the kids while I was sat a couple of rows back with his brother and sister. I found the whole situation uncomfortable and wasn’t sure what, if anything to say. She stayed 10 days total and then left. She calls him or the kids several times a week to check in on them. Before this, she would call or text on birthdays, special occasions, and sometimes random memes or catch-up texts a couple of times a month. I find myself feeling very uncomfortable and insecure about the situation but I don’t know how to talk to James about it. He is still obviously mourning and I don’t want to bring up how hurt I was that his ex-girlfriend was at his side during the funeral and not me, but I am really hurt. I feel uncertain about my place in his life and in the lives of his children. I feel like at any time Ally could decide to move back and just take back her place. Can I talk to him about my fears? How do I do that when he is mourning?

—Where Do I Fit?

banana468

Your feelings are valid but you're going to have to figure this out by being supportive to him and with body language.   

It also sounds like Ally and James may have a friendship that exists but the distance isn't working.  And with that quantity of time of course the kids have comfort with her.  So be there for your BF and feel him out.  Also watch and see the call frequency.  Are they increasing or decreasing?  As time goes you may be able to talk more about the relationship but in the meantime be the support he needs presently.

mrsconn23

I totally understand how this whole chain of events has made LW feel insecure in their relationship with the BF, and frankly, they may not make it long term through no fault of anyone.  Losing a parent changed me on a molecular level, I can only imagine how losing a child would change my entire life.   

I think LW needs to let some time pass, but they really need to start evaluating what burdens they can bear.  They may find this is simply too much to take on.  As long as it's handled with grace and love, I don't think choosing themselves is the wrong or cruel thing to do.  

But in absolutely no way, shape, or form, should LW lay anything that happened in the days following his son's death and their feelings about it at their BF's feet.  There is simply no way to do so without it being taken as, "Why weren't you worried about me?" 

short+sassy

I absolutely understand the LW's POV and her feelings make perfect sense.

But the same time, I also understand and it makes sense why things went down the way they did.  The LW and James have been dating for less than a year.  Whereas Ally was part of this family for 7 years.

Of course the kids and even the ex-wife are going to feel more comfortable opening up to and grieving with her.  Even James.  Because Ally was a bigger part of this young man's life than the LW was.  There is more history and more of a connection between Ally and James's children.

The LW should hold tight.  If a few months down the road she is still feeling the same way, then she should talk to James.  But now is not the time and, once Ally is gone, the LW might find they start feeling more secure again in their relationship.

levioosa

LW’s feelings are valid, but this isn’t the time or place. I just have to say, even previously strong committed marriages often fall apart after the loss of a child. This a tragedy first, no matter how you look at it.