Dear Prudence,
I have been estranged from my parents in varying degrees for about 11 years, with the most total estrangement occurring three years ago. I have good reasons for this I won’t belabor. A couple of years ago, I told my mother we could consider having a relationship if she set up counseling sessions for us. She hasn’t done this and doesn’t seem like she’s planning to. My dad has never made any effort to actually address the rift between us, and instead has just accepted it and dropped his end of the rope entirely.
My question has to do with how to manage their increasing age and ill health. Recently, I heard through the grapevine that my mom may have a serious illness, and my dad tried to die a couple of years ago by refusing to treat a very treatable medical issue until it almost killed him (my sibling succeeded in getting him treatment by physically forcing him to go). As I said above, my parents and I are estranged for good reasons, and unfortunately, it looks like that’s the way it will stay, because they don’t want to make the effort to fix things.
But I’m not a monster. I take no satisfaction in thinking of them alone in a nursing home or hospital somewhere. These are my parents and I have some good memories of them. Despite how much it hurts me, I do care about them and I don’t want them to suffer or die. How do I deal with this part of life, where health scares will happen more often and they’ll need more care, without sacrificing myself and pretending like we haven’t been estranged for a third of my life? How do I maintain boundaries without forcing my siblings to pick up the slack? My siblings don’t have good relationships with them, but they are still in contact. I’ve spoken with my therapist extensively about this, but she doesn’t give much direct advice, and I really need someone to tell me what to do. The thought of them suffering alone feels like a punch in the gut, even though I understand they’re alone for a reason.
—Seems Like It’ll Feel Bad Regardless