You should have never started this relationship in the first place.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I’ve been dating “Ben” for over a year now. We’ve talked a lot about our future and have considered moving in together when my lease is up next year. Ben has two kids who are 9 and 11. I like kids, but due to some health issues, I decided a long time ago that I could not handle the chaos of children. I mulled over adoption for a long time, which I never really ruled out, but I still don’t think I could take too much variation from my set schedule. I told Ben this and he said he’s fine making sure that my schedule isn’t impacted by the children.

My issue is with his ex, “Anne,” who is too cheap to hire a sitter and, for whatever reason, won’t drive the extra 20 minutes to her mother’s. Ben and Anne live close to each other, so I’m guessing it’s always been more convenient, but she wouldn’t even take the name of the sitter my sister uses. Ben has always obliged, but it has caused him to cancel plans with me more than once. This weekend was the last straw for me. We had a big family reunion, and I was excited to introduce him to a family I rarely get to see. I told him in no uncertain terms that if he cancels on me because of Anne’s lack of willingness to make her own childcare arrangements, that I would be very, very upset. I asked him to talk with Anne and he said he did.

Well, guess what happened? Anne calls him at 7 a.m. sobbing because she can’t figure out her childcare arrangements.

Ben couldn’t get a sitter last minute. He caved and canceled with me. I went off on him, telling him he had no backbone and he didn’t care about me enough to do the one thing I asked him to do. He said I was being mean and unreasonable. I hung up on him and was harangued by questions about where he was the entire reunion.

I talked to some of my friends about it and they are all divided. Some think I need to be careful with the relationship because his ex is possibly doing this stuff on purpose. They reminded me custody arrangements change, and he could end up getting the kids full time too. Others think this is normal and that I’m not well-suited to be in a serious relationship with someone who has kids. What do you think?

—Wicked Stepmother?

short+sassy

I think both the LW's sets of friends are right.  Ben is a pushover to his ex.  Anne probably does delight in messing with his social life through supposed constant childcare problems.

At the same time, real childcare problems do happen and the kids come first.  You can't just leave them alone for hours at a time, like a pet.  With that said, I just noticed the older child's age.  In only another 1-2 years, they will be old enough to stay home and take care of their sibling for a few hours.

But none of us have a guarantee in life.  Something could happen to Anne and Ben would need to take over full custody.

So the LW never should have gotten involved with Ben, or any guy with young children, to begin with if they can't handle the "chaos of children".  I'm also side-eyeing that they've thought about adoption and are still considering it.  If they can't handle children to the point they might break up with their b/f, then why in the world would they purposely bring a child into their life.  It doesn't make any sense.

charlotte989875

Ben never should have promised his children wouldn’t ever impact your schedule- that’s unrealistic, naive, and just plain unreasonable.

However, he’s also not doing anything to make Annie think she can’t continue to do exactly what he’s doing because there’s no consequences. He’s in a tough situation- who wants to be the parent that says “no I won’t take my kids” but continuing to be the only one who can make childcare arrangements means Annie’s going to keep doing this. 

I don’t think you’re compatible, at least not while the children are young enough to need their parents around. 

ei34

This one is hard and I agree that they aren’t compatible while the children are still young enough to need to be watched.  It was wrong of Ben to take them when he knew LW really wanted him at the reunion (I guess it was an adults only family reunion?).  

But it may be less that he’s a pushover to his ex and more he’s a dad who jumps at the chance to see his kids? (I can’t relate, but that sounds nice in theory.) Even so, I’m curious to know if he, like, misses work to take them, or a sports game with his friends. If he’s only leaping through hoops to help out last minute when it’s not impacting him, then LW has every right to be annoyed. If he does it all the time…you’re dating a parent LW, sometimes the kids throw off our plans. You get to decide if this works for you. 

charlotte989875

ei34 said:

This one is hard and I agree that they aren’t compatible while the children are still young enough to need to be watched.  It was wrong of Ben to take them when he knew LW really wanted him at the reunion (I guess it was an adults only family reunion?).  

But it may be less that he’s a pushover to his ex and more he’s a dad who jumps at the chance to see his kids? (I can’t relate, but that sounds nice in theory.) Even so, I’m curious to know if he, like, misses work to take them, or a sports game with his friends. If he’s only leaping through hoops to help out last minute when it’s not impacting him, then LW has every right to be annoyed. If he does it all the time…you’re dating a parent LW, sometimes the kids throw off our plans. You get to decide if this works for you. 

This is what I’m thinking. He’s a dad, his kids need to be cared for, maybe he does just want to see them. That the LW doesn’t even consider this tells me they probably aren’t a good fit at least right now. 

banana468

I don't think you're compatible more that I think Ben seems to be the kind of person who wants to tell people what they want to hear vs. the reality of the situation.  

His situation itself is bad too but by refusing to want to be with the kids it's kind of a non starter for you and you need to end it. 

MyNameIsNot

Absolutely do not move in unless you're 100% ready to be a step-mom with all that that entails, including chaos. 

I think Ben is making it clear that he is prioritizing his kids over LW, and I honestly don't have a big problem with that. LW is framing this as Ben being a helpless dad while Anne is the instigator, but maybe he'd rather spend time with his kids than have them stuck with a sitter all the time. It sounds like him being the first resort has been pretty typical for as long as they've been divorced and neither Anne nor Ben are interested in making different childcare arrangements to suit LW.

STARMOON44

You have no business being in a relationship with someone with kids. End it now for everyone’s sake. 

mrsconn23

Good god, how does Ben even want to be in a relationship with LW?  LW is downright hostile regarding the mom of his children. "She won't drive 20 min out of her way to her mom's" and "She didn't take my sister's sitter (a complete stranger to Anne and the kids) suggestion."  She may not have an extra 40 min (round trip) to drive to her mom's and may not need/want a sitter suggestion from her ex's new GF (who doesn't seem to like her very much).  Also, it sounds like Ben either has the time to take the kids or should get more involved in who Anne chooses for childcare since the people she uses are unreliable. 

Also, if kids were 'too much chaos' for your health conditions, how did you get past the date where Ben told you he has kids?  I totally agree with the friends that say LW is ill-suited to be in a relationship with someone with kids.  

I get the frustration regarding canceled plans, especially something as big as a gathering where he was going to meet everyone for the first time.  But also, they could have brought the kids.  It would not be some seismic event that would imprint on the kids forever (it's a friggin' party and they're old enough to not have anyone hawking them every second), and also, if LW is planning a future with Ben, it will include his kids.  And Ben may have a backbone issue when it comes to his ex and the kids, but LW is going about all of it completely wrong and is looking like a complete ass per their letter.