I don't even know. This is so hard.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

Last year, my stepdaughter had a late-term miscarriage. It devastated her and her husband. They couldn’t stand the sight of the nursery, so they “stored” all the baby items in our guest room, from the rocking chair to the car seat. You can’t even walk into the room because it is so packed. We only have a two-bedroom house. I have tried to be patient, but neither one will even discuss the situation and will walk out of the room if you try. My husband offered to put the stuff in a storage unit and my stepdaughter flew into a rage. She didn’t want anyone else touching her baby’s stuff. I understand the complications of grief. I unexpectedly lost my first husband and my mother the same year and despite that being a decade ago, certain things will trigger me to cry—but life still has to go on. And they have a four-bedroom house. There is no logic to these logistics. Please, I need some advice here.

—No Room

charlotte989875

Well this is awful. 

Can your husband talk with her again, or her husband? I think this needs to move slowly. Small conversations not ultimatums. 

But also I think your attitude kind of sucks; losing a husband and mother is absolutely not the same as losing a loved baby that was planned for, especially late in the pregnancy. Do not compare your grief to hers because it’s not the same. Not saying one is worse than the other but it’s an entirely different thing. 

MyNameIsNot

You don't get to tell anyone else when and how to grieve, but grief also doesn't give you carte blanche to run over other people and refuse to even discuss it. 

It's time for her dad to have a conversation with her about this and put a date on it. If you don't make an arrangement by the end of the month, I'm going to have to move it to storage. It's just not reasonable to ask someone to give up basically all of their storage space indefinitely. 

short+sassy

I need to know the time frame.  If it was within the last few months, it does seem a bit heartless to be bringing it up so soon.

If it was longer than that, the father needs to insist they all at least talk about the plan for the baby's things.  Insist as nicely and gently as possible.  But the couple can't let their grief cause such a problem in other people's lives.   

mrsconn23

I think LW's comment about losing her husband and mother in a short time is more her trying to understand her stepdaughter's/SSIL's grief, but it's just not the same as losing a child.   I hope she's never positioned it like she has in the letter, even to her husband. 

That said, the fact that they won't even let LW and their H move the stuff out of the house into another storage location because you can't even whisper a word about it and that she doesn't want anyone else touching the baby's stuff, is in over-the-top territory.  It doesn't even sound like LW and her H asked them to come move it themselves, they just asked if they could relocate the things so they could have their space back. 

I hope they are getting grief counseling. LW is correct, life does move forward and they clearly need some help to find the way.  

levioosa

mrsconn23 said:

I think LW's comment about losing her husband and mother in a short time is more her trying to understand her stepdaughter's/SSIL's grief, but it's just not the same as losing a child.   I hope she's never positioned it like she has in the letter, even to her husband. 

That said, the fact that they won't even let LW and their H move the stuff out of the house into another storage location because you can't even whisper a word about it and that she doesn't want anyone else touching the baby's stuff, is in over-the-top territory.  It doesn't even sound like LW and her H asked them to come move it themselves, they just asked if they could relocate the things so they could have their space back. 

I hope they are getting grief counseling. LW is correct, life does move forward and they clearly need some help to find the way.  

Agreed. I also need to know if when LW says “last year” she means like November/December or January 2023. If it’s late last year then LW is really an ass because in grief land that’s like two seconds. 

mrsconn23

levioosa said:

mrsconn23 said:

I think LW's comment about losing her husband and mother in a short time is more her trying to understand her stepdaughter's/SSIL's grief, but it's just not the same as losing a child.   I hope she's never positioned it like she has in the letter, even to her husband. 

That said, the fact that they won't even let LW and their H move the stuff out of the house into another storage location because you can't even whisper a word about it and that she doesn't want anyone else touching the baby's stuff, is in over-the-top territory.  It doesn't even sound like LW and her H asked them to come move it themselves, they just asked if they could relocate the things so they could have their space back. 

I hope they are getting grief counseling. LW is correct, life does move forward and they clearly need some help to find the way.  

Agreed. I also need to know if when LW says “last year” she means like November/December or January 2023. If it’s late last year then LW is really an ass because in grief land that’s like two seconds. 

I have to assume that it's been more than a few months.  LW does have a compassionate tone and I feel like with their letter, they're trying to temper their frustration.  I personally would be more concerned that they are running in place and shut down any conversation around the loss. 

I can only begin to imagine the pain, but it's sucking all the air out of everything right now for everyone around them.  At a certain point, LW and their H should not trapped with them in that place.  And we all know it's not about the stuff.  So I think LW and their H should start from a place of, "Hey, we're worried and really want to help you..." and go from there.  But the stuff cannot be brought up in that conversation.