I feel like you're getting in your own way.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I have a complicated version of the age-old “how do I find friends” question. I’m a freshman at the university in my hometown. My childhood/high school friends have almost all moved out of state for college, so there’s only a few of us always around (three, to be exact, including me).
The thing is, the other two are dating—and they are my childhood best friend and my high school best friend. For 19-year-olds, they’re pretty serious about the relationship, and I am happy for them! The problem is that when your only close friends are in a relationship, I’m giving them both emotional support when something goes wrong, and since they spend a lot of couple time together, whenever they’re doing couple stuff, I can’t hang out with either of my friends. I am slowly making a couple of friends at university, but they’re usually busy, and I’m not super comfortable with them. The other thing is that I have a very rough home life (I’m a college commuter), which my two best friends know about and so I don’t have to put on a mask for them. An even more complicating factor is that I’m aromantic—I’m not going to be bringing a romantic partner into the mix, so there’s definitely a slight feeling of always being the third wheel. I’m trying to make new friends, but I’m not living in a dorm, and it’s hard to connect with new students since my life is pretty complicated. I know it’s normal to feel lonely when you start college, but I don’t see simple solutions to my issues, and I’m stumped.

—Broken Puzzle Piece

charlotte989875

Yes it’s harder to make friends when you commute exude you don’t have other new people living in the same space also trying to make friends. But that doesn’t mean it’s impossible! 

Join a club or a team you’re into, or better yet try out something totally new! Make a study group for your classes. Get a job on campus and meet coworkers. Literally so many options that don’t involve a couple from your high school. 

VarunaTT

Get involved with the clubs/activities surrounding your major, just to start.  Anything you actually like doing (hiking for example), there's probably a club at school that does that thing.  I miss college because of how easy it was to find and make new friends.  LW isn't going to just be given new friends, they have to do some work.

Start drawing some boundaries too.  "I love you both, but I am uncomfortable discussing relationship issues with you because of my existing friendship with both of you."  Move onto campus to get away from home life and being in a dorm would help make friends.

There's so many damn paths forward on this, I feel like LW really doesn't want to do any work on this, but just be validated in their misery.

kerbohl

I also commuted, and only knew one person previously at university.  It was crazy easy to make friends - you just talk with people you are taking classes with, or as already mentioned join clubs.  There are so many cool clubs.  I did medieval student society and found more friends then I knew what to do with.  

short+sassy

I'm so glad some of you posted before me, lol.  I didn't want to sound mean and insensitive by not understanding why the LW can't make friends at college of all places.

I went to junior college first and was a commuter there.  I wasn't even in any activities at that school, but made a lot of friends in my classes.

Though I can see being aromantic as a bit of a challenge because meeting your partner's group of friends is another good way to form friendships.

I hate for therapy to always be the Prudie answer.  But the LW mentions they have a rough home life.  Maybe that has made them too insecure to reach out to others more.  So they don't initiate meeting people or setting up get togethers when they have met potential friends.