Fiancé is mad at me for not inviting his sister to my bridal shower

knottiebfad359f321aa3f9

First I’d like to say I have an okay relationship with his sister considering I only met her 3 times in the 7 years we’ve been together. She lives in another state. We have always been kind to one another but don’t really have a close relationship. Grandma told her I was having a bridal shower and she texted me and my fiancé (her brother) saying I shouldn’t feel obligated to invite her to my shower and that she invited people to hers that she didn’t want to so she gets it and that she’s fine with just coming to the wedding. And so on… I explained to them both that wasn’t the case. If she lived in the state I would have sent her one. I didn’t think she’d want to come out just for my shower. I even apologized to both of them. She’s still in her feelings and my fiancé keeps grilling me for how messed up it looks and saying I’m wrong. It’s caused me to yell out of stress because of the situation. 

Then it gets tricky because I invited his cousin that recently moved out of town but her and I are really close and she’s flown out here several times in the past 6 months for family events. 

I have tried explaining to him and his sister I wasn’t trying to purposely exclude her. I just didn’t think she would come. And now it’s like I’m the bad guy. I can’t keep apologizing. I have a wedding to plan. 

She’s also supposed to stay at our home the week of the wedding. I just hope it’s not awkward. I really hate this. Idk what to do. 

Jen4948

knottiebfad359f321aa3f9 said:

First I’d like to say I have an okay relationship with his sister considering I only met her 3 times in the 7 years we’ve been together. She lives in another state. We have always been kind to one another but don’t really have a close relationship. Grandma told her I was having a bridal shower and she texted me and my fiancé (her brother) saying I shouldn’t feel obligated to invite her to my shower and that she invited people to hers that she didn’t want to so she gets it and that she’s fine with just coming to the wedding. And so on… I explained to them both that wasn’t the case. If she lived in the state I would have sent her one. I didn’t think she’d want to come out just for my shower. I even apologized to both of them. She’s still in her feelings and my fiancé keeps grilling me for how messed up it looks and saying I’m wrong. It’s caused me to yell out of stress because of the situation. 

Then it gets tricky because I invited his cousin that recently moved out of town but her and I are really close and she’s flown out here several times in the past 6 months for family events. 

I have tried explaining to him and his sister I wasn’t trying to purposely exclude her. I just didn’t think she would come. And now it’s like I’m the bad guy. I can’t keep apologizing. I have a wedding to plan. 

She’s also supposed to stay at our home the week of the wedding. I just hope it’s not awkward. I really hate this. Idk what to do. 

People are going to bring up that you aren't supposed to throw yourself a shower. Etiquette requires that showers be thrown for you by a third party. 

That out of the way...

This is me, but I think that regardless of the distance, I would have sent your SIL-to-be a courtesy invitation even knowing that the likelihood was remote that she'd actually be able to attend. I might also have sent her a Zoom link or the like so she could livestream the shower if she couldn't attend in person.

She told you not to feel obligated to invite her and gave her reasons. You accepted them and didn't follow through with an invitation anyway. That was your choice. I don't think you owed any apologies for taking her at her word-not to her, and definitely not to your fiance. Even though this is his sister, he really needs to back off and let it go.

Having offered apologies at this point to both, I think you need to stop being defensive about your decision not to invite her and just say to them, "I took SIL-to-be at her word that she would be okay not being invited and didn't send her an invitation. I accept responsibility for this decision and your unhappiness about it. However, I have already apologized for it. I have heard enough about it from you and I am no longer open to discussing it."

banana468

You owe her an apology and you owe your FI an apology for yelling.

Next time know that an invitation isn't a summons and the immediate family should really be included unless there are major issues that would warrant them not being invited.  Let her know you are sorry and apologize for the oversight and then roll out the red carpet when she's going to stay with you for the week of the wedding.  Own your blunder and move on. 

MyNameIsNot

Yikes, inviting the cousin but not the sister is pretty rough and makes your apology come off weak at best. No one here is really handling this very well, but I can see why both your FI and his sister are pretty hurt by this. 

If you really do have an okay relationship with his sister and want to keep it that way, you need to do some damage control here. Make a much better effort to connect with her and spend time with her when you do see each other. 

knottiebfad359f321aa3f9

I have actually already sent her an invite. Soon as this all happened. I would love for her to come. I just didn’t think she would and that’s my fault. And I’m not throwing my own shower. I only gave the guests list. It’s a small intimate shower. And so is my wedding. Thank you for your input. 

knottiebfad359f321aa3f9

Thank you. I definitely will try my best to connect more with his sister. 

climbingsingle

Yikes, that was a major misstep to not invite her especially since you invited her cousin. Apologize sincerely to her and your fiancé. I’d probably even send a card or something to the sister to try to smooth things over.