Wedding Woes

4 men in the world

Dear Prudence,

I have a significant sensitivity to caffeine and it gives me blistering headaches, so I am a big tea drinker now. I just moved into my own place and was happy to host my boyfriend’s parents on their cross-country trip (I have a guest room). I got some instant coffee, Danishes, and fruit since they were only staying the night. What I got in return were some of the grouchiest grumps I have met. His mom actually woke me up at six in the morning because she couldn’t find the coffee maker, and actually heard his dad curse (“who the F doesn’t have a coffee maker”)! I pointed out the instant coffee and they could drive to the convenience store less than two miles away if they wanted.

Apparently, this was a personal affront to them both. They brought it up more times than I could count later when we visited … and bought me a coffee maker for my birthday. I fought with my boyfriend over this. He thinks nothing of it, while I find it beyond rude. I opened my home to them, made dinner, let them charge their RV, and washed clothes. They could deal with some instant coffee. What should I do here? It is making me rethink my relationship.

—That Tea

Re: 4 men in the world

  • I think their behavior was absolutely horrible. 

    Be clear to your BF: "You insulted a person who opened her home up to you and woke her from a dead sleep when she provided you with a serviceable alternate."

    If there is no defending you I would absolutely end it and would have no patience for the passive aggressive gift and would be clear that you returned it for a hand held massager. 
  • Whoa!  There are many rude instances here.  I'd be looking askance at my partner also if they can't see that.

    If they love their coffee so much, wouldn't they have a coffee maker in their RV?  Or at least a French press.

    Not to mention, the parents can now forget about the LW helping them out again.  That is, if their son and the LW even stay together after this.

    FWIW, neither of my parents drank coffee but we had a coffee maker for when guests were over.  However, that's a nicety from non-coffee drinkers.  Not an obligation.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker


  • FWIW, neither of my parents drank coffee but we had a coffee maker for when guests were over.  However, that's a nicety from non-coffee drinkers.  Not an obligation.
    Yeah I will say that if the LW ever wants to entertain it's a smart idea to have more than instant coffee.  Instant coffee is what I drink when camping or when stuck but it's not what I want and tastes pretty horrible.  That said we do have it for times when we're stuck or not waking up in our beds. 

    If the BF's parents though were so into coffee then he should have spoken up before they showed up.    

    And the parents' behavior was so atrocious that I'd be turned off from wanting to brew anything. 
  • I don’t have a coffee maker and if people want coffee they can walk to the store. Not sorry! I have a little apartment there’s no room for kitchen things I never use. 
  • Charge their RV?  Wait..what? Wouldn't they have a coffee maker in their own RV?  Run away, the parents are rude and the BF isn't standing up to them.  This will not get better.
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  • This will be such a funny breakup story, LW.  Get on it.
  • MNNEBride said:
    Charge their RV?  Wait..what? Wouldn't they have a coffee maker in their own RV?  Run away, the parents are rude and the BF isn't standing up to them.  This will not get better.
    That’s what I thought too. So not only were they rude, they had outright access and chose to make a stink instead of using their own quietly. 

    This would honestly make me question my relationship too. Like um no, your parents were hella rude, and there’s a big problem if you’re telling me that my hosting was inadequate when you should have been telling them they were ungrateful and out of line. 

    This is blasphemous to coffee drinkers I’m sure, but I use the Nescafé instant coffee and it’s honestly not terrible. I’m way too impatient in the morning to not only brew but then clean a pot. 


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  • LOL H and I are big coffee drinkers (fully caffeinated). Several years ago a cousin with whom we stayed a couple of nights was going caffeine free. We didn't make a fuss about having to have caffeinated coffee. H just got up and drove into town (they live in the country) and bought coffee at Hardees. Of course it took a day for us to figure out the coffee was decaf - we had horrid headaches by noon.

    BF's parents were totally rude!
  • Or the BF, knowing his parents are coffee snobs could have bought the coffee and coffee maker got them. 
  • Or the BF, knowing his parents are coffee snobs could have bought the coffee and coffee maker got them. 
    Right?!?  It's easy enough to go to a store, buy some beans and grind them fresh and pick up a French press so there's an easy way to make coffee in the house.  Bonus points calling it a gift for them that they can take with them. 

    I can't imagine asking a SO to open the house to my parents, know what's important and not work to have it available.    

    Funny story: When my parents got married my mom had never lived with my dad before marriage and moved her stuff in after they got married.  They went away to their honeymoon and came home to my dad asking "So did you set the coffee for tomorrow?"  Despite my dad having lived in the house for months he assumed a coffee pot must have been a wedding gift for his Irish tea drinking wife.  There wasn't one.  So they were off to the mall to make their first purchase as a married couple: a coffee pot.  To this day my mom earns the prize for making the worst cup of coffee.     
  • ei34ei34 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    My mind is blown at how rude, unreasonable and ridiculous the parents acted and I’d give the bf one more chance to genuinely agree with me and apologize.

    I don’t drink coffee but do have a coffee pot in for guests, but only bc I have the space in the kitchen, nothing wrong with not having one if space is tight. 
  • ei34 said:
    My mind is blown at how rude, unreasonable and ridiculous the parents acted and I’d give the bf one more chance to genuinely agree with me and apologize.

    I don’t drink coffee but do have a coffee pot in for guests, but only bc I have the space in the kitchen, nothing wrong with not having one if space is tight. 
    Totally agree!  We had an okay sized kitchen in my house growing up.  But smaller than most kitchens today.  My parents didn't keep their coffeepot for guests in the kitchen, lol.

    But the house did have a good amount of storage.  There was a large storage area...shaped like a hallway and with shelves lining both walls...connecting the house to the garage.

    They kept the coffeepot on one of those shelves and only put it on the kitchen countertop if guests were coming over.

    A tangent.  My mom's all-time favorite kitchen appliance is a KitchenAid.  But that was way too big to always keep on the counter.  Instead, she had this pretty neat contraption as part of the kitchen cabinets.  It's possible my dad made it, though I'm not 100% on that.

    The KitchenAid sat on a special shelf in one of the cabinets under the counter.  But you could pull the whole shelf up and lock it in place at counter height, so it became a temporary extension of the counter when it was being used.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • What a waste of a potential gift.  Reminds me of my parents.   I don’t use salt and pepper so just don’t have it in my house. Especially salt.  I have a small pepper container that’s probably expired.  What did my parents get me for Christmas? Electronic salt & pepper shakers. I mean… I haven’t even opened them.
    same.  But different. 


  • What a waste of a potential gift.  Reminds me of my parents.   I don’t use salt and pepper so just don’t have it in my house. Especially salt.  I have a small pepper container that’s probably expired.  What did my parents get me for Christmas? Electronic salt & pepper shakers. I mean… I haven’t even opened them.
    same.  But different. 

    What do you use to season your food?!  
  • banana468 said:
    What a waste of a potential gift.  Reminds me of my parents.   I don’t use salt and pepper so just don’t have it in my house. Especially salt.  I have a small pepper container that’s probably expired.  What did my parents get me for Christmas? Electronic salt & pepper shakers. I mean… I haven’t even opened them.
    same.  But different. 

    What do you use to season your food?!  
    Usually seasoning made for the food I’m cooking.  But I also use homechef and skip the salt they say to use and they have a good sauce with the protein option.  I never liked pepper and I have high BP so skip the salt.

  • What a waste of a potential gift.  Reminds me of my parents.   I don’t use salt and pepper so just don’t have it in my house. Especially salt.  I have a small pepper container that’s probably expired.  What did my parents get me for Christmas? Electronic salt & pepper shakers. I mean… I haven’t even opened them.
    same.  But different. 

    If you use other seasonings, they could be used for that.

    But in this case, it was purposefully a petty gift.  Hopefully your parents were just being thoughtless instead of vindictive, over you not having salt/pepper in the house.  Thoughtlessness isn't great either and can get into problematic territory, but it's better than a mean or petty gift. 

    Getting nothing is better than a mean gift.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Yeah I think it was a “hey, you don’t have salt and pepper in your house when we visit.  Here’s one!”
    But I can afford table salt and pepper.  What are they, a buck each? Lol

  • Yeah I think it was a “hey, you don’t have salt and pepper in your house when we visit.  Here’s one!”
    But I can afford table salt and pepper.  What are they, a buck each? Lol
    I could see that.  Parents can be funny like that sometimes.  They think of what they need and want to take care of their adult children by making sure they have those things also.  It took 20 years of telling my mom I don't really like sweet foods even if they are sugar-free, before she finally stopped sending me that crap for one of my Christmas gifts.  

    Totally different for a personal home, but I do find it really irritating when a short-term rental doesn't have salt/pepper.

    When that happens, I'll ask for salt and pepper packets when I get fast food or go out to eat.  They can take a page from my playbook.  Or you can also if they have a visit coming up and you think of it.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I don't think buying a salt and pepper shaker (assuming they are filled) is all that bad. I would put it the category of they want to use it when they visit, and I don't need to worry about getting some. I wouldn't do it as a gift (I just reread your post about it being a gift) but just as a keep this for when I visit. I have done that with DD. I was making smoothies a lot. They didn't always have frozen strawberries or blueberries so I would bring some with me when I visited. I often take some of my own food when I visit. They have started stocking my fave yogurt when I visit so I don't bring my own anymore.

  • A tangent.  My mom's all-time favorite kitchen appliance is a KitchenAid.  But that was way too big to always keep on the counter.  Instead, she had this pretty neat contraption as part of the kitchen cabinets.  It's possible my dad made it, though I'm not 100% on that.

    The KitchenAid sat on a special shelf in one of the cabinets under the counter.  But you could pull the whole shelf up and lock it in place at counter height, so it became a temporary extension of the counter when it was being used.
    I desperately want a set up like that. I love my KA but it takes up soooo much valuable space in what is a small kitchen to begin with. 


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