Wedding Woes

4 men in the world.

Dear Prudence,

My boyfriend is a regular weed smoker. Before we got in a relationship I told him that he smoked too much weed and that I didn’t like that. He was smoking every single day before we were together because he was in an abusive relationship and that was his way of coping and escaping. For a few weeks, he abstained from it, until we went on a trip and he wanted to enjoy us being out and in nature. I said yes and I even smoked with him as a way of bonding. From there, he slowly started to use it again, not daily but still frequently. I’m a man who grew up with bad behaviors regarding substances and abuse. His smoking habit really triggers me. I feel like I can’t be as intimate with him now as before because of it—although he’s more affectionate and loving when he smokes since he’s not anxious anymore and he’s not thinking about his past relationships.

I try my best to not smoke weed because I’m a doctor and I need to keep my mind sharp and always ready. I feel really scared that this is going to be our downfall. He’s the sweetest man I’ve been with. I don’t want him to get numb and slowly just start to smoke every day again. I even came up with the idea that maybe every weekend we could do something like he can smoke and I can use CBD but he took it as an excuse to smoke every day of the weekend. One day, he even smoked three joints with his ex-roomie. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to lose him. I’m scared that if I ask him to try and quit, he will react badly and decide to end the relationship. Please help!

—Too Triggered

Re: 4 men in the world.

  • The LW needs to talk to their b/f again.  But they need to be ready to walk away if the b/f can't or doesn't want to change their weed smoking behavior.

    I'm leaning toward this being a deal breaker anyway because the b/f himself doesn't feel a need to smoke less.  He would only be doing it because the LW wants him to.  And perhaps he needs the weed to help control his anxiety.

    People can each be a great person, but just not right for each other.  I feel like that is the case here.
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  • IDK why LW entered a relationship with this person know they had such opposing views on daily pot use and that their BF was a daily pot smoker at the time.  Also, LW says they're 'scared' and that BF will 'react badly', but he's also the 'sweetest' person.   

    You're not compatible on this issue and it's a big one.  It's OK to love the really great parts of people, but know it's not meant to be a long term thing.  It would be wise to just end this now.  
  • It’s okay for this to be a deal breaker for you and it’s okay he’s not interested in giving it up. But that means it’s probably not going to work between you. 

    It sounds like his relationship with weed might not be the healthiest. But you can’t force him to change and it doesn’t seem like he’s interested in that for himself. 
  • This is a really big issue for you and your boyfriend not to be on the same page about, and unfortunately, I don't think it's one that can be resolved. Your reasons from abstaining from weed are valid, and I agree that your boyfriend's relationship with weed isn't the best. But you knew this was an issue when you started dating him, and you probably also know that you can't change an adult who doesn't want to change. You two aren't compatible, and it's probably best for you to move on.
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  • This is giving big controlling vibes from me. I can't tell if the BF has a bad relationship with weed or if he's reacting to LW guilting him about it. Anyway, LW needs to come to terms that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with a smoker and move on. 
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