Wedding Woes
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No one ever wants an unsolicited opinion.

Dear Prudence,

I hate that some parents have gender-reveal parties. First of all, it’s the wrong terminology! I know that gender is a social construct, and it infuriates me that people are making an event out of the genitalia of their soon-to-be child. I hate that there are parents out there who care about the sex of their baby at all. I feel so passionately about this because I feel as if my family and society treated me differently because I’m a cisgender female, and I don’t want the world to do that to my kid. How do I express my views to my parent friends? Or is this a view that I hold to myself and express only in the areas that I can control? And most importantly, if I get an invite to a gender-reveal party, should I say anything that the terminology is wrong?

—It’s Sex, Not Gender

Re: No one ever wants an unsolicited opinion.

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    mrsconn23 said:

    Dear Prudence,

    I hate that some parents have gender-reveal parties. First of all, it’s the wrong terminology! I know that gender is a social construct, and it infuriates me that people are making an event out of the genitalia of their soon-to-be child. I hate that there are parents out there who care about the sex of their baby at all. I feel so passionately about this because I feel as if my family and society treated me differently because I’m a cisgender female, and I don’t want the world to do that to my kid. How do I express my views to my parent friends? Or is this a view that I hold to myself and express only in the areas that I can control? And most importantly, if I get an invite to a gender-reveal party, should I say anything that the terminology is wrong?

    —It’s Sex, Not Gender

    You shut up.  Or keep talking about your opinions to everyone you know and the invitation situation is going to work itself out.

    I don't like the gender reveal parties.  FWIW I think people call them that because calling them 'sex reveal parties' sound like you're inviting your family and friends to a new version of Eyes Wide Shut.

    I just don't like them because they seem....extra.  But I don't care enough to care about not going to one especially if the party involves colored frosting in a cake I get to eat because...cake. 

    Pick and choose your battles here.   If this is the hill you want to die on understand it's going to likely come with more than just the lack of reveal party invitations that won't clutter your inbox. 
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    ei34ei34 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    "Or is this a view that I hold to myself and express only in the areas that I can control?"

    Yup, this one.  I never had one.  And haven't attended any.  I think they're ridiculous.  Especially when they move beyond boy or girl and into tractor or tiara, or football or ballet slippers, or whatever else is out there.  Pretty bizarre.
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    I'm not a fan of gender reveal parties either, for a number of reasons, but this isn't worth risking your friendships over. Keep your opinions to yourself, or if you really need to rant/vent, do it with people who agree/aren't having kids, not to your parent friends. If you're that uncomfortable with gender reveal parties, you don't have to attend if invited - though I'd suggest just saying you have another commitment on that date.

    The only time you should say anything to a parent friend  about these parties is if you find out someone's gender reveal gimmick could put people in danger (I'm just thinking of the tragic horror stories I've heard with these events). And even then, it should be about safety, not about them using the wrong terminology.
    image
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    You keep this to yourself. If you are ever pregnant, don’t have one of these parties. Raise your kid gender neutral. But don’t go on a tirade to new or expectant parents. 

    Yes you’re right these people are using the wrong language, but if they know they don’t care and you pointing it out isn’t going to change anything. 
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    mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited March 7
    I just don't think attacking 'gender' reveal parties is relevant use of LW's time, energy, or resources.  I mean, turn down the invites, but not with a dissertation on gender vs. sex and why it's a slippery slope to all the other ills of society. 

    Also, inserting your trauma of being a cisgender female and how it affected you growing up in your family and society at large isn't really going to make an impact either.  You're a drama llama if you do that and it looks like you're trying to play oppression olympics. 

    We begrudgingly hosted the reveal party for the kids, but that was more about relationship-building with her and her family because they're going to need our help.  I ordered the decorations and cupcakes, was appreciative to the people on her side of the family who showed up and especially those brought food, and shut up.  DH and I bitched in private because we knew it wasn't about the 'reveal', but about showing the kids we're here for them.  

    Anyway, LW you can have your feelings and that's fine.  But also, if you start judging people's choices...that opens the door for them to judge yours.  And if you're really concerned about the plight of gender and how everyone should be affirmed, there are plenty of orgs that would love your time and/or money as an ally. They will not get that if you're fighting with people over really dumb parties. 


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    My [extremely extra] cousin had a gender reveal party back before they were as mainstream as they are, at least to my Kentucky family. My sister mentioned that it was actually a misnomer at some point. Someone in the family picked it up and everyone referred to it as Cousin's Sex Party for the duration of the pregnancy. 

    Anyway, I think they're stupid too, so I just don't go. 
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    I never used to like them and now I pray that I will get to have one. Every part of trying to get pregnant has been miserable and sad and painful and another excuse to celebrate with my friends and family sounds amazing. I know lots of people don’t like them but I give none fucks about that and if someone had the nerve to tell me that in person directed at me I’d spend a long time talking to them about the burning pain of the shots and the lube dribbling out after the 7am transvaginal
    ultrasound. 

    Absolutely don’t host one if you hate them and decline invitations but that’s it. 
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    edited March 8
    I never used to like them and now I pray that I will get to have one. Every part of trying to get pregnant has been miserable and sad and painful and another excuse to celebrate with my friends and family sounds amazing. I know lots of people don’t like them but I give none fucks about that and if someone had the nerve to tell me that in person directed at me I’d spend a long time talking to them about the burning pain of the shots and the lube dribbling out after the 7am transvaginal
    ultrasound. 

    Absolutely don’t host one if you hate them and decline invitations but that’s it. 
    I say have all the parties. It’s amazing that babies are conceived, carried, born, and survive. There’s enough that is scary about the entire process I say celebrate any and every way you can! 
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