Dear Prudence,
Just over two months ago, I was unexpectedly dumped by my boyfriend of more than a year, a man with whom I’m still deeply in love; I had wanted to marry him. It was devastating. Throughout our relationship, I suffered from intense feelings of jealousy, mostly about a certain female friend of his, but also generally jealous feelings about his exes and his female friends. I drove myself crazy with my insecurity. I never had any real reason not to trust him. My jealousy wasn’t the reason he gave for dumping me, but I feel it may have been a contributing factor. Regardless, it certainly made us both unhappy. I hated feeling like a crazy, possessive girlfriend.
It has been more than two months since the breakup, and despite moving abroad for a fellowship and being in an exciting and beautiful new country, I’m still reeling. I’m plagued by so many jealous thoughts about the idea of him dating someone else, sleeping with someone else, even just the knowledge that he is talking to that close female friend of his. (He and I currently aren’t talking at all—we’re taking a period of no contact so we can explore being friends in the future.) I hate that I don’t know what he’s up to. I have jealous dreams more than once a week. I got a therapist because I’m deeply unhappy and struggling. But she isn’t helping me tackle the jealous thoughts themselves. She just tells me to distract myself when jealous thoughts occur (already doing that), make time for things I enjoy (already doing that), and try medication (just started one). How does one actually reframe thoughts of jealousy and possessiveness? I don’t think I can distract or medicate my way out of this problem. I don’t want to suffer from it in future relationships either. I’ve felt a little bit jealous in past relationships, but never this intensely.
—Green-Eyed Monster