You need to schedule a talk about her e-mail and expectations. This may not work.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My husband had his twin daughters when he was in college and we had our three when we were in our late 30s/40s. I am a stay-at-home mom and work part-time for a family company that lets me set my own hours. My stepdaughter is pregnant. She wants to immediately go back to work since she is the breadwinner between her and her husband. They don’t want to pay for child care and I would be happy to help out but she treats me like I don’t have a functional brain.

I have been emailed basically a book on what I am not allowed to do with the baby—from sleep schedules to how to hand-make organic baby food. There were footnotes. The baby isn’t even here yet. My youngest is 11. Parenting hasn’t changed that much in a decade. Our relationship has always been challenging. She, unlike her sister, has never responded well to her parents having their own independent lives. She nearly tanked her relationship with her own mother because her mother decided to remarry a man 10 years younger than her and move to Spain (this was after she and her sister both graduated and got married). I understand that she is a nervous new mother-to-be, but I am already regretting the offer. My husband insists it will all be fine. I am not so sure. Help?

—Regretting It

banana468

Be clear about what will and won't work.  Set the boundaries in advance.

Some stuff IMO you get to set terms to.  Others you don't.

Ex: If she wants organic homemade babyfood, tell her that those look like great recipes and tell her that she needs to supply you with the food for baby.  Your care giving will not be extended to cooking and instead will be food warming.

If she wants baby to be fed expressed breastmilk then confirm you'll work on paced bottle feeding.  Do not say you will only make formula.  

There can be boundaries on both sides here but you may want to come up with rules like a daycare even if you aren't one.  I didn't tell them to get the organic apples from the local orchard to make the sauce.  If I wanted the kid to eat homemade and organic, I made it and it went in the bag.  

MyNameIsNot

The relationship is already strained; this is a recipe for disaster.

"It sounds like your expectations are beyond what I'm able to agree to. It sounds like it would make more sense for you to arrange professional care with someone who is able to meet your standards." 

mrsconn23

This totally requires a face-to-face meeting.  It should have happened before the e-mail was even sent, but that ship has sailed. 

If LW's H thinks it will 'all be fine' then he should lead said conversation.  

But in reality, I don't think this will go well.  SD wants free, high-end, Montessori-type care for her kid.  If I were LW, I'd get some brochures and pricing for those types of places just to be informed and so she can make suggestions if SD doesn't think LW is up to snuff.  LW has the advantage here because SD 'doesn't want to pay for daycare'.  OK, well this is what free daycare is, babe. 

If they do sit down, LW shouldn't be dismissive of SD's concerns or expectations, but I think she could temper them.  Hell, try to think of scenarios from your own kid's babyhood that you can share with her.  I mean, "Let me tell you about the time we had to cut a onesie off the youngest because they shit so much, the thing was full from shoulders to butt and leaking out...that was a first!" could help ease some tension (a true DefConn story). 

short+sassy

If I were the LW, I would first need to stop LMAO that this woman thinks I'm going to make baby food.

But once I could keep a straight face again, myself, my H, and the daughter and their partner (if applicable) would have an in-person sit down on what the free...emphasis on free...babysitting is going to look like.

With all that said, the LW seems to be on a bit of a high horse.  Just because they didn't do things in a certain way, doesn't mean the stepdaughter needs to be disrespected for how she wants things done.  For things that aren't difficult or too much of an inconvenience, the LW needs to respect how the stepdaughter wants things done.  Like feeding the baby handmade baby food instead of store bought, as long as the stepdaughter provides it.

levioosa

This sounds like a recipe for disaster. I would say I am just flabbergasted by people who would expect their [free!] child care to also make organic hand made baby food, but I could totally see SIL B doing that. Husband needs to talk to his daughter and give realistic expectations. And if he wont do that or continues to maintain that "everything is fine" then you don't just have a SD problem, you have a husband problem. 

mrsconn23

Also, you can make all the baby food in the world, organic or not, and your kid will still eat Cheerios off the floor.   Just sayin...

banana468

I think it's going to end poorly but also think the LW may be on a high horse.   It was easier to say to the moms, "Well the evidence based research is showing that what was done 30 years ago actually should change based on X, Y and Z" but this mom is a little more inclined to mom shame.  

Nothing is wrong with what the mom to be wants but the expectations that someone else will do the things that most do in the house are absurd. 

And just today I saw a child of mine eating a booger.  I can't.   

mrsconn23

Boogers are organic though, @banana468

ILoveBeachMusic

I didn't get the feeling that LW was mom shaming. I would definitely balk at being expected to make organic (or any kind of) baby food. If the SD wants certain things, she should provide them. This wasn't mentioned but if they are doing cloth diapers (I was trying to think of other things the LW might be objecting to), the LW shouldn't be expected to launder them. We had to put DD in cloth diapers for a while. I carried them home from her in home daycare and laundered them. It never would occur to me to expect the baby sitter to do it. 

I also get the feeling LW feels like the SD doesn't think she knows how to take care of a child. DD has always trusted H and me. She has said that she realizes (as the boys have gotten older) that things are different at our house. With that being said, we always followed her and SIL's wishes as closely as possible. I have other friends who have had a lot of restrictions put on them. For instance, one friend wasn't allowed to stand while holding the grandchild or god forbid walk up or down a flight of stairs (there is nothing physically wrong with my friend).