Take the money and find a way to help your sister with it.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I’m almost 18 and graduating high school this spring. My grandparents (father’s parents) just told me they have almost $200,000 saved up that they are giving me for college. I was stunned because I knew they were better off than my parents, but I had no idea about this. I asked why they didn’t give anything to my sister, who is 22 and will graduate college right before I graduate high school. She’s stressed out because she’s had to take out loans that, even if she gets a good job, she might not be able to pay off before she’s middle-aged. They said that this was because I’m their biological grandchild and my sister isn’t. She’s our mom’s daughter from a boyfriend who abandoned her while she was pregnant, but our dad adopted her after they got married, when she was 2. Her biological father was Black, so I suspect that this might have something to do with our white, Republican grandparents not fully accepting her.

But what they don’t know is …

I’m not their biological grandchild either! My dad was infertile, so my parents used donor sperm to conceive me. They told me this when I was about 6 but said it was our family’s secret, and now I think I know why. I’m afraid I would feel dishonest accepting this money for myself. Should I take it but give half to my sister? Or tell my grandparents the truth about my biological origin and risk that they won’t give me anything either? Or what?

—Guilty Grad

VarunaTT

I'd be petty as all get out, take the $ and figure out how to give my sister half.  You might need a financial advisor for that, so be smart about it.

short+sassy

I appreciate the LW is thinking about doing arguably the moral thing.  But considering how shitty the grandparents have been to their sister, I'm finding it hard to care much about news that might change their mind about the college fund.  Which is probably money they don't need for their retirement or something important like that anyway.

Another consideration is that this secret isn't just about the LW.  It's about their parents also.  I'd have misgivings about sharing a secret that involves other people.

Considering the LW was so young when they were told, I'm surprised it still is a secret!  While I'm sure little kids can keep secrets, I wouldn't exactly rely on one to do so.

mrsconn23

I wonder what LW's parents think about all this.  I'd hope that would have been the first stop when LW was looking to seek counsel on this gift.  Clearly if LW's paternity has been a secret all of LW's life, their parents know the score with LW's paternal grandparents.  If LW hasn't talked to their parents and they have a decent relationship with them, they should.  

Also, I wonder how this money will be doled out in the first place.  If it's a straight-up check with zero strings or instructions, LW is in the clear to do as they choose.  If the grandparents want to maintain LW's bursar account, then that's a lot more sticky.  

short+sassy

mrsconn23 said:

I wonder what LW's parents think about all this.  I'd hope that would have been the first stop when LW was looking to seek counsel on this gift.  Clearly if LW's paternity has been a secret all of LW's life, their parents know the score with LW's paternal grandparents.  If LW hasn't talked to their parents and they have a decent relationship with them, they should.  

Also, I wonder how this money will be doled out in the first place.  If it's a straight-up check with zero strings or instructions, LW is in the clear to do as they choose.  If the grandparents want to maintain LW's bursar account, then that's a lot more sticky.  

I was also wondering how the LW would even manage giving their sister half of the money.  I seriously doubt the grandparents are going to give the LW a $200K check and say "go nuts".  It would also be really stupid on the grandparent's part.  Most 18-year-olds cannot be trusted to responsibly handle that kind of money all at once.  And tax-wise it might be foolish also.

I assume that money is going to look a lot more like the grandparents paying the LW's tuition and room/board.  Possibly directly, especially for the tuition.

What might be more straightforward, especially since the sister is almost done with college, is for the LW to get their degree and not worry about all of this right now.  If there is money left over that the LW can use freely, great.  Give some to their sister.  If not, then once they get a good paying job, help their sister pay down her school loans since the LW is fortunate to not have any.

All of this might come up again when the grandparents die.  They might leave it all to their kid(s).  But if they leave money to the grandkids, you know the sister is getting nothing or not as much.

banana468

Since the $ part isn't secret I would consider having a heart to heart with the sister.

I'm curious if this was a pattern of behavior for them for a long time.  And if so, I'd collectively let the parents and sister in that you intend to divide it in half and appreciate if that's kept as a secret.

The benefit in this way is that the LW is using a gift the way she wants, the grandparents can feel any way they want and the sister gets to benefit.  Are the grandparents crappy to pull this?  Absolutely.  But my guess is that if they're told there's no $ to use.