Dear Prudence,
I married my husband two years after his ex died. We had been dating for a while but held off getting married when the accident happened. “Lia” was 10 and ”Lois” was 5. I never wanted or thought I could replace the girls’ mother, but after being close with both my stepparents, I naively thought the girls would warm up to me. Lois did. Lia never will. We did family therapy. My husband did the parenting. We kept their maternal family close. We tried. Lia will not even be civil with me most days. Worse, she actively acts hateful toward Lois if she acts loving toward me like hugging me or asking to be adopted. She was 12 and her biggest wish for me was to be her mom. Lia shoved her sister off her chair when Lois raised the idea and called her a “traitor.” I think she would have hit her sister if my husband didn’t get between them. Lia ran away and we didn’t know where she was for days. The police were involved. Then Lia wanted to go live with either of her grandparents.
Both sides called her out on her behavior (their maternal grandmother called me a “saint” for putting up with it all). Lia turned 18 and skipped right off into the sunset. The only times we would hear from her was when she needed money. Collectively our entire family has tried from us to my in-laws to the girls’ maternal uncle. Her relationship with her sister is non-existent. Lois is blossoming into such an amazing young woman. She is turning 18 soon and she wants her present for me to officially adopt her. My husband is just “What about Lia?” I can’t care anymore. Lia is 23 now. We have been in each other’s lives for over 13 years. I am not expecting love or even liking, I don’t need or deserve this. Neither does my husband but especially Lois. How do we navigate this?
—Adopting Issues