Dear Prudence,
My dear friend and I work in the same competitive industry. She has an incredible and well-respected track record and wants to leave her current employer, but keeps getting rejected from positions for which she should be a shoo-in. She doesn’t know why. I know exactly why. She approaches work interactions in a more formal way than is the norm in our business, and people interpret her as rude. We’re also in an industry where people take pride in flattening power hierarchies and elevating the perspectives of folks all up and down the chain (which I love about our industry); she views the world in a more traditional, hierarchical way. This also rubs people (including me sometimes) the wrong way.
She’s been up for multiple positions where I know someone involved in the hiring process, and this is 100 percent the reason she is not getting these positions. There is probably a gendered element to the perception of her as rude, as she is very direct. But from my observations regarding the power dynamics, it is not 100 percent gendered, it is also a mismatch between our industry’s cultural norms and her ways of operating. I love her and do not want to hurt her. Telling her this will hurt her, and I also do not think this is fully something she can change, or something she’d be willing to change. Not getting these positions is also hurting her, especially as she is very confused about why she is not getting them. So: to tell her or not tell her? And if I should tell her, how?
—To Tell or Not to Tell