Do you ever offer to plan trips, events, anything?

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence, 

My wife and I are trying to plan a holiday together and I am at my wit’s end. Planning with her is difficult at the best of times because she’s very easily excited, tends to go off on tangents, and makes spur-of-the-moment decisions. This time, she invited several friends of hers to join us without consulting me, we then made very elaborate plans with them, and then they all changed their minds and we had to start from scratch, so she made dinner plans with another set of friends in a city we hadn’t planned to visit. That is adding 10 hours of travel to a week-long trip that has been cut to five days because she also bought tickets to a concert in our home town, again without consulting me.

If this was an isolated incident, I would be annoyed but it is part of a long pattern of fickle behavior with scant regard for it impacts the people around her. Don’t get me wrong, she’s adorable and her spontaneity and immense passion are wonderful… BUT I am furious and exhausted. I’ve tried discussing it with her but she just gaslights me, accuses me of “freaking out” and points out that we’re blessed and I am complaining about having fun. I simply do not want to keep on doing things like this but I am unsure how to proceed. Do I stop going on holiday with my wife? Refuse to engage? Throw a massive strop? I proposed couples therapy but she says I’m being ridiculous and petty. What do I do?

—Just Done

charlotte989875

How about you plan the trip? Interesting you jump to stop going on trips and therapy and don’t consider volunteering to plan it yourself. 

banana468

I love you but I think the way that you plan leaves me feeling exhausted mentally.  

But also offer to do the planning and say that you do need communication on events.  And the next time she drops concert tickets mid vacation back home on you, don't go. 

short+sassy

At least for this trip, the LW should flat out veto the dinner with friends in a city that's 5-hours away.  Or if the wife insists on going, let her have the car for the day and refuse to go with her.  The LW can hang out at the hotel's pool or go do something they want to do.

I'd suggest they put a rule in place that anything related to plans with other people and reservations/purchases are not made until they have both discussed it and agreed to it.  But I'm not sure if the wife would be amenable to that because it seems like she isn't seeing the problem.

banana468

short+sassy said:

At least for this trip, the LW should flat out veto the dinner with friends in a city that's 5-hours away.  Or if the wife insists on going, let her have the car for the day and refuse to go with her.  The LW can hang out at the hotel's pool or go do something they want to do.

I'd suggest they put a rule in place that anything related to plans with other people and reservations/purchases are not made until they have both discussed it and agreed to it.  But I'm not sure if the wife would be amenable to that because it seems like she isn't seeing the problem.

That's why I see this as unsustainable.  If you make plans for me without consulting me I'm going to be irritated.  If those plans require major effort including time to travel then we have issues that need to be discussed because telling me what to do without my consent is not valuing my opinion or time. 

DH and I don't do this and when others do it for him it pisses him off to no end.