Wedding Party
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Issues with a BM

Hi, please be kind everyone. I truly just want advice on what to do.

Here are my options: 
1. Remove her out of the bridal party and end the friendship.
2. Have her in the bridal party but distance myself away from her.
3. Talk to her and try to rekindle our friendship. I’ve had to talk to her in the past before about setting boundaries and telling her how I don’t appreciate the way she speaks to me sometimes. 

Here’s the backstory:
I’ve been friends with this BM all the way from college to now, (I’m 26). We are in a trio best friend group and it has always been that way since college. I moved away after college for about 3 years before deciding to move close to my 2 friends. During this time, I feel that I’ve changed a lot and some of the topics that we used to care about, I just don’t really think matters anymore. Basically, it feels like I’m outgrowing the friendship, but didn’t know quite how over it I was until moving close to them. I was a different person in college, I was young, I was naive, and I’m starting to think I was never a friend to begin with. It’s confusing to me because sometimes she makes and effort and sometimes she just tears me down. 

Here are the things that have bothered me ever since I moved here and started seeing her more often:
1. Every time I speak, she argues with what I say or thinks it isn’t true.
2. (This one is so dumb) she tried convincing me that I didn’t order the drink that I ordered..? We ordered the same drink and my other friend had to intervene just to tell her that I did indeed order the drink that I did lol.
3. She told me in a group setting that when it comes to me, she doesn’t remember anything about me and laughed. This means, my birthday, fav color, food, etc. just not really making an effort to care basically. Keep in mind, we’ve been friends for about 5 or 6 years.
4. When I told her (in a group setting with other friends) that I regret not going through with optometry school, she laughed and said “you are not a scholar” and made fun of me.
5. She used my fiance to watch her dog so that she could go out of town, promising that she would take us out to dinner as repayment. When we bring it up, she keeps saying she will but it’s been 2 months. Keep in mind I was watching her dog for free almost every 2 weeks. The one time I couldn’t was the weekend she gave her dog away.
6. When I see her, it feels like it’s mainly for her benefit. Like so she can have me take pics of her for her IG. 
7. This one I think hurt the most. My fiance planned a bday surprise for me and collaborated with my 2 friends. He had been planning with them for 2 weeks and when I got there, they were still prepping food, seemed really bothered by having to do it, and just made me feel like they didn’t want me there the entire time. The reason why this one hurt is because we have another friend who we did a surprise bday for. They decorated the house with balloons and all sorts of decorations, surprised her with candles and bday cake when she walked in, and had games set up. When they did it for me, I walked in and they said “oh. Happy birthday” no surprise, no decorations, no effort. I don’t really care that much about birthdays but it was the difference between mine and this other girl they barely know that hurt.
8. My sister (MOH) created a GC with all the BM’s to plan the Bach party and this girl decided to condescend and belittle me in the GC. They were talking about BM dress colors and she said. “Obv she didn’t even think it through lol. She didn’t even spell this right” 
9. I confronted her and she had the nerve to say to my other friend “well now we can’t tell her sister anything because she’s just gonna turn around and tell (me). 

Again, if you’re reading this, please be kind and try and imagine yourself in my shoes. Ik you’re wondering, why did you even ask her but that’s a question I’m currently asking myself. I don’t expect anything from my BMs but it’s mainly the Bach trip that I’m concerned about. I just don’t really know anymore.

Re: Issues with a BM

  • Options
    Hi, please be kind everyone. I truly just want advice on what to do.

    Here are my options: 
    1. Remove her out of the bridal party and end the friendship.
    2. Have her in the bridal party but distance myself away from her.
    3. Talk to her and try to rekindle our friendship. I’ve had to talk to her in the past before about setting boundaries and telling her how I don’t appreciate the way she speaks to me sometimes. 

    Here’s the backstory:
    I’ve been friends with this BM all the way from college to now, (I’m 26). We are in a trio best friend group and it has always been that way since college. I moved away after college for about 3 years before deciding to move close to my 2 friends. During this time, I feel that I’ve changed a lot and some of the topics that we used to care about, I just don’t really think matters anymore. Basically, it feels like I’m outgrowing the friendship, but didn’t know quite how over it I was until moving close to them. I was a different person in college, I was young, I was naive, and I’m starting to think I was never a friend to begin with. It’s confusing to me because sometimes she makes and effort and sometimes she just tears me down. 

    Here are the things that have bothered me ever since I moved here and started seeing her more often:
    1. Every time I speak, she argues with what I say or thinks it isn’t true.
    2. (This one is so dumb) she tried convincing me that I didn’t order the drink that I ordered..? We ordered the same drink and my other friend had to intervene just to tell her that I did indeed order the drink that I did lol.
    3. She told me in a group setting that when it comes to me, she doesn’t remember anything about me and laughed. This means, my birthday, fav color, food, etc. just not really making an effort to care basically. Keep in mind, we’ve been friends for about 5 or 6 years.
    4. When I told her (in a group setting with other friends) that I regret not going through with optometry school, she laughed and said “you are not a scholar” and made fun of me.
    5. She used my fiance to watch her dog so that she could go out of town, promising that she would take us out to dinner as repayment. When we bring it up, she keeps saying she will but it’s been 2 months. Keep in mind I was watching her dog for free almost every 2 weeks. The one time I couldn’t was the weekend she gave her dog away.
    6. When I see her, it feels like it’s mainly for her benefit. Like so she can have me take pics of her for her IG. 
    7. This one I think hurt the most. My fiance planned a bday surprise for me and collaborated with my 2 friends. He had been planning with them for 2 weeks and when I got there, they were still prepping food, seemed really bothered by having to do it, and just made me feel like they didn’t want me there the entire time. The reason why this one hurt is because we have another friend who we did a surprise bday for. They decorated the house with balloons and all sorts of decorations, surprised her with candles and bday cake when she walked in, and had games set up. When they did it for me, I walked in and they said “oh. Happy birthday” no surprise, no decorations, no effort. I don’t really care that much about birthdays but it was the difference between mine and this other girl they barely know that hurt.
    8. My sister (MOH) created a GC with all the BM’s to plan the Bach party and this girl decided to condescend and belittle me in the GC. They were talking about BM dress colors and she said. “Obv she didn’t even think it through lol. She didn’t even spell this right” 
    9. I confronted her and she had the nerve to say to my other friend “well now we can’t tell her sister anything because she’s just gonna turn around and tell (me). 

    Again, if you’re reading this, please be kind and try and imagine yourself in my shoes. Ik you’re wondering, why did you even ask her but that’s a question I’m currently asking myself. I don’t expect anything from my BMs but it’s mainly the Bach trip that I’m concerned about. I just don’t really know anymore.
    How long is left before the wedding? How is your relationship with the third friend in this trio? I'd probably go with your option two to just leave things alone and let the friendship fade over time. She doesn't seem like a great friend, but there's nothing earth shattering that seems worth the drama of breaking up with her and potentially having the mutual friend feel stuck in the middle. It also doesn't sound like she's any different now than she was when you asked her to stand up for you.

    If you feel like you just can't take it, have a conversation with her and tell her that the friendship has run it's course, reimburse her for any wedding related expenses, wish her well, and then cut all contact. 
  • Options
    Hi, please be kind everyone. I truly just want advice on what to do.

    Here are my options: 
    1. Remove her out of the bridal party and end the friendship.
    2. Have her in the bridal party but distance myself away from her.
    3. Talk to her and try to rekindle our friendship. I’ve had to talk to her in the past before about setting boundaries and telling her how I don’t appreciate the way she speaks to me sometimes. 

    Here’s the backstory:
    I’ve been friends with this BM all the way from college to now, (I’m 26). We are in a trio best friend group and it has always been that way since college. I moved away after college for about 3 years before deciding to move close to my 2 friends. During this time, I feel that I’ve changed a lot and some of the topics that we used to care about, I just don’t really think matters anymore. Basically, it feels like I’m outgrowing the friendship, but didn’t know quite how over it I was until moving close to them. I was a different person in college, I was young, I was naive, and I’m starting to think I was never a friend to begin with. It’s confusing to me because sometimes she makes and effort and sometimes she just tears me down. 

    Here are the things that have bothered me ever since I moved here and started seeing her more often:
    1. Every time I speak, she argues with what I say or thinks it isn’t true.
    2. (This one is so dumb) she tried convincing me that I didn’t order the drink that I ordered..? We ordered the same drink and my other friend had to intervene just to tell her that I did indeed order the drink that I did lol.
    3. She told me in a group setting that when it comes to me, she doesn’t remember anything about me and laughed. This means, my birthday, fav color, food, etc. just not really making an effort to care basically. Keep in mind, we’ve been friends for about 5 or 6 years.
    4. When I told her (in a group setting with other friends) that I regret not going through with optometry school, she laughed and said “you are not a scholar” and made fun of me.
    5. She used my fiance to watch her dog so that she could go out of town, promising that she would take us out to dinner as repayment. When we bring it up, she keeps saying she will but it’s been 2 months. Keep in mind I was watching her dog for free almost every 2 weeks. The one time I couldn’t was the weekend she gave her dog away.
    6. When I see her, it feels like it’s mainly for her benefit. Like so she can have me take pics of her for her IG. 
    7. This one I think hurt the most. My fiance planned a bday surprise for me and collaborated with my 2 friends. He had been planning with them for 2 weeks and when I got there, they were still prepping food, seemed really bothered by having to do it, and just made me feel like they didn’t want me there the entire time. The reason why this one hurt is because we have another friend who we did a surprise bday for. They decorated the house with balloons and all sorts of decorations, surprised her with candles and bday cake when she walked in, and had games set up. When they did it for me, I walked in and they said “oh. Happy birthday” no surprise, no decorations, no effort. I don’t really care that much about birthdays but it was the difference between mine and this other girl they barely know that hurt.
    8. My sister (MOH) created a GC with all the BM’s to plan the Bach party and this girl decided to condescend and belittle me in the GC. They were talking about BM dress colors and she said. “Obv she didn’t even think it through lol. She didn’t even spell this right” 
    9. I confronted her and she had the nerve to say to my other friend “well now we can’t tell her sister anything because she’s just gonna turn around and tell (me). 

    Again, if you’re reading this, please be kind and try and imagine yourself in my shoes. Ik you’re wondering, why did you even ask her but that’s a question I’m currently asking myself. I don’t expect anything from my BMs but it’s mainly the Bach trip that I’m concerned about. I just don’t really know anymore.
    How long is left before the wedding? How is your relationship with the third friend in this trio? I'd probably go with your option two to just leave things alone and let the friendship fade over time. She doesn't seem like a great friend, but there's nothing earth shattering that seems worth the drama of breaking up with her and potentially having the mutual friend feel stuck in the middle. It also doesn't sound like she's any different now than she was when you asked her to stand up for you.

    If you feel like you just can't take it, have a conversation with her and tell her that the friendship has run it's course, reimburse her for any wedding related expenses, wish her well, and then cut all contact. 
    The wedding is 10 months from now, and I know everyone recommends 6-8 months for a reason. I just never doubted it at the time. The third friend kind of just goes along with the first friend, or doesn’t usually make a comment.

    I ended up going with option 3, I just texted her how all of her comments and actions have made me feel. I think it’s important, especially now, to address these concerns because I’d rather not have any regrets during the time that’s supposed to be filled with happy memories. I’m not necessarily trying to rekindle the friendship but I just felt like it needed to be said.

    Her response was just that most of it was a joke and there was no ill intention, and that she was sorry. Either way, it seems like our personalities clash so I am taking the time to consider if I want to continue this or end it. I just told her I needed space and time to think. 
  • Options
    How long is left before the wedding? How is your relationship with the third friend in this trio? I'd probably go with your option two to just leave things alone and let the friendship fade over time. She doesn't seem like a great friend, but there's nothing earth shattering that seems worth the drama of breaking up with her and potentially having the mutual friend feel stuck in the middle. It also doesn't sound like she's any different now than she was when you asked her to stand up for you.

    If you feel like you just can't take it, have a conversation with her and tell her that the friendship has run it's course, reimburse her for any wedding related expenses, wish her well, and then cut all contact. 
    The wedding is 10 months from now, and I know everyone recommends 6-8 months for a reason. I just never doubted it at the time. The third friend kind of just goes along with the first friend, or doesn’t usually make a comment.

    I ended up going with option 3, I just texted her how all of her comments and actions have made me feel. I think it’s important, especially now, to address these concerns because I’d rather not have any regrets during the time that’s supposed to be filled with happy memories. I’m not necessarily trying to rekindle the friendship but I just felt like it needed to be said.

    Her response was just that most of it was a joke and there was no ill intention, and that she was sorry. She did say that she valued the friendship, but I unfortunately do not believe it. I truly believe that actions speak louder than words and in my case, there have been many actions and words to confirm that my feelings are valid. Either way, it seems like our personalities clash so I am taking the time to consider if I want to continue this or end it. I just told her I needed space and time to think. 
  • Options
    MobKazMobKaz member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Hi, please be kind everyone. I truly just want advice on what to do.

    Here are my options: 
    1. Remove her out of the bridal party and end the friendship.
    2. Have her in the bridal party but distance myself away from her.
    3. Talk to her and try to rekindle our friendship. I’ve had to talk to her in the past before about setting boundaries and telling her how I don’t appreciate the way she speaks to me sometimes. 

    Here’s the backstory:
    I’ve been friends with this BM all the way from college to now, (I’m 26). We are in a trio best friend group and it has always been that way since college. I moved away after college for about 3 years before deciding to move close to my 2 friends. During this time, I feel that I’ve changed a lot and some of the topics that we used to care about, I just don’t really think matters anymore. Basically, it feels like I’m outgrowing the friendship, but didn’t know quite how over it I was until moving close to them. I was a different person in college, I was young, I was naive, and I’m starting to think I was never a friend to begin with. It’s confusing to me because sometimes she makes and effort and sometimes she just tears me down. 

    Here are the things that have bothered me ever since I moved here and started seeing her more often:
    1. Every time I speak, she argues with what I say or thinks it isn’t true.
    2. (This one is so dumb) she tried convincing me that I didn’t order the drink that I ordered..? We ordered the same drink and my other friend had to intervene just to tell her that I did indeed order the drink that I did lol.
    3. She told me in a group setting that when it comes to me, she doesn’t remember anything about me and laughed. This means, my birthday, fav color, food, etc. just not really making an effort to care basically. Keep in mind, we’ve been friends for about 5 or 6 years.
    4. When I told her (in a group setting with other friends) that I regret not going through with optometry school, she laughed and said “you are not a scholar” and made fun of me.
    5. She used my fiance to watch her dog so that she could go out of town, promising that she would take us out to dinner as repayment. When we bring it up, she keeps saying she will but it’s been 2 months. Keep in mind I was watching her dog for free almost every 2 weeks. The one time I couldn’t was the weekend she gave her dog away.
    6. When I see her, it feels like it’s mainly for her benefit. Like so she can have me take pics of her for her IG. 
    7. This one I think hurt the most. My fiance planned a bday surprise for me and collaborated with my 2 friends. He had been planning with them for 2 weeks and when I got there, they were still prepping food, seemed really bothered by having to do it, and just made me feel like they didn’t want me there the entire time. The reason why this one hurt is because we have another friend who we did a surprise bday for. They decorated the house with balloons and all sorts of decorations, surprised her with candles and bday cake when she walked in, and had games set up. When they did it for me, I walked in and they said “oh. Happy birthday” no surprise, no decorations, no effort. I don’t really care that much about birthdays but it was the difference between mine and this other girl they barely know that hurt.
    8. My sister (MOH) created a GC with all the BM’s to plan the Bach party and this girl decided to condescend and belittle me in the GC. They were talking about BM dress colors and she said. “Obv she didn’t even think it through lol. She didn’t even spell this right” 
    9. I confronted her and she had the nerve to say to my other friend “well now we can’t tell her sister anything because she’s just gonna turn around and tell (me). 

    Again, if you’re reading this, please be kind and try and imagine yourself in my shoes. Ik you’re wondering, why did you even ask her but that’s a question I’m currently asking myself. I don’t expect anything from my BMs but it’s mainly the Bach trip that I’m concerned about. I just don’t really know anymore.
    How long is left before the wedding? How is your relationship with the third friend in this trio? I'd probably go with your option two to just leave things alone and let the friendship fade over time. She doesn't seem like a great friend, but there's nothing earth shattering that seems worth the drama of breaking up with her and potentially having the mutual friend feel stuck in the middle. It also doesn't sound like she's any different now than she was when you asked her to stand up for you.

    If you feel like you just can't take it, have a conversation with her and tell her that the friendship has run it's course, reimburse her for any wedding related expenses, wish her well, and then cut all contact. 
    The wedding is 10 months from now, and I know everyone recommends 6-8 months for a reason. I just never doubted it at the time. The third friend kind of just goes along with the first friend, or doesn’t usually make a comment.

    I ended up going with option 3, I just texted her how all of her comments and actions have made me feel. I think it’s important, especially now, to address these concerns because I’d rather not have any regrets during the time that’s supposed to be filled with happy memories. I’m not necessarily trying to rekindle the friendship but I just felt like it needed to be said.

    Her response was just that most of it was a joke and there was no ill intention, and that she was sorry. Either way, it seems like our personalities clash so I am taking the time to consider if I want to continue this or end it. I just told her I needed space and time to think. 

    I think the biggest issue/reason so many of these situations become complicated or dramatic is because they are handled via texts and not real conversations.  Honestly, I'm not sure how many genuine friendships require "time and space".  I feel as if you already know which way you prefer to go with this, and it's best to just commit to it.

    I would not want anything clouding or complicating my wedding planning.  You should be enjoying these months leading up to your wedding.  The closer you get to it, the more important it becomes to have less drama and conflicts. 
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