This is entirely your wife's problem.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

A recent weekend trip to visit my wife’s family has caused an issue for us. Her parents are difficult people, reactionary, hide-bound, and hard to like. For being only two days long, the visit was full of arguments, passive-aggressive comments, and hurt feelings. By comparison, my parents are great. I get on well with them and enjoy visiting them since visits are relaxed and rarely cause hurt feelings. Before anyone says that I am being unfair, my wife agrees with me! Her parents ARE difficult, mine ARE much easier to get on with. That is the problem.

Apparently, after our last visit, she resents my relationship with my family and “the position I put her in of having to know her family is the bad one.” When we got together, she said, she never thought she’d have this problem since my family is blue collar and she assumed that they would be the problematic ones. (Her parents have gotten significantly more reactionary and right-wing adjacent as they got older. Mine have gone the other way.) She says that I need to adjust my relationship with my parents so things are “fair.” I don’t know what she expects of me, and she doesn’t seem to either. I am hoping that once the hurt feelings from the trip subside we can have a more reasonable conversation. I just don’t know how to approach it. I feel like she is being unfair, but I can also see how my relationship with my family hurt her feelings. I hate that. I guess I just want to know what I should be flexible on and what I can’t be?

–My Parents Won

banana468

Nope.

I'd be really clear that I'm not going to adjust a relationship because there's a technical "equal" relationship that is very poor. 

Instead I'd advise her about how welcoming the ILs are and how much she's loved.  Wife should likely have counseling because she's so resentful and spiteful she's now hoping that what - if her relationship with her parents is sour then so goes the rest of the people she knows?   You do not get to dictate relationships out of spite. 

levioosa

mrsconn23 said:

Dear Prudence,

A recent weekend trip to visit my wife’s family has caused an issue for us. Her parents are difficult people, reactionary, hide-bound, and hard to like. For being only two days long, the visit was full of arguments, passive-aggressive comments, and hurt feelings. By comparison, my parents are great. I get on well with them and enjoy visiting them since visits are relaxed and rarely cause hurt feelings. Before anyone says that I am being unfair, my wife agrees with me! Her parents ARE difficult, mine ARE much easier to get on with. That is the problem.

Apparently, after our last visit, she resents my relationship with my family and “the position I put her in of having to know her family is the bad one.” When we got together, she said, she never thought she’d have this problem since my family is blue collar and she assumed that they would be the problematic ones. (Her parents have gotten significantly more reactionary and right-wing adjacent as they got older. Mine have gone the other way.) She says that I need to adjust my relationship with my parents so things are “fair.” I don’t know what she expects of me, and she doesn’t seem to either. I am hoping that once the hurt feelings from the trip subside we can have a more reasonable conversation. I just don’t know how to approach it. I feel like she is being unfair, but I can also see how my relationship with my family hurt her feelings. I hate that. I guess I just want to know what I should be flexible on and what I can’t be?

–My Parents Won

Woaaahhhhh. LW your wife needs to address that extreme classism as well as her resentment in general. Listen, I get it, I'm resentful that both of our families are a mess (in very different ways, but messes all the same). That being said, I would have been absolutely thrilled to marry into a family where everyone got along, where people were supportive, and where members were close without competition or jealousy. I would have jumped on that train so fast. You're not flaunting your family in your wife's face. If she sees it that way then there's a lot more internal work on her part that needs to be done. What is she expecting you to do? Start fights on topics you do know you disagree with? Be passive aggressive for no reason? What does she even want?

downtondiva

Your wife needs to go to therapy to work through this serious jealousy and come to terms with the fact that her family is so difficult. Make it clear that you're not going to do a thing differently with your own parents - it's completely unfair of her to expect that from you, and who knows what would be enough "adjustment" for her? She needs to get help rather than drag you down with her.