This something he has to work on from the inside out.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I’ve been dating my (33 F) boyfriend, “Brian” (35 M), for about three years. We just moved in together, and things are great. My only issue is that he gets jealous. Brian has a good job and we make very similar salaries, but he’s not very fulfilled by his work and has been passed up for several promotions in the past five years. Brian and I have very good communication, but he’s been trying to hide his jealousy for a while, until it all came out over the weekend. He said he’s a little jealous of the opportunities I’ve had recently to travel and go to other events because of my job.

People being jealous of me is not a new thing, but it is something that I have only recently started to realize. My best friend since high school was this way. After I recognized that this friend’s strange behaviors, which I’d merely considered odd at the time, were due to jealousy, it started to make sense. The thing is, because it took so long for me to have this epiphany, I haven’t really developed the skills to deal with it, and I don’t know how to deal with it with Brian now. I want to be there for him. He’s not letting the jealousy be destructive to our relationship, but I just don’t know how to comfort someone jealous of what I have. It’s not as if I grew up rich. My parents were teachers, which I think helped me to do the things that got me into a good school, but I’ve worked really hard to get to where I am. I can’t change the fact that I’m successful, and I’m not going to feel bad about it. Brian is being very mature and says he wants to work on this together. I really want to help him. Is that even possible? Is this something he just needs to go to therapy for? What can I do?

—Successful Girlfriend

MyNameIsNot

This is not something you can fix or help him through. Sure, you can be kind and not intentionally rub it in his face, but his lackluster career and his feelings about it are not your responsibility. 

Therapy for him is a good idea. LW says he's not letting it impact the relationship yet, but this is the sort of thing that festers and gets ugly. I'm assuming LW is a woman and will continue to grow her career. This will get even worse when they get to the point where career and life decisions intersect, like relocating for a promotion or having kids. 

short+sassy

That was not the kind of jealousy I was expecting at the start of the letter, lol.

I'll give Brian credit that he recognizes the problem and is trying not to let it impact the relationship.  But I don't like he said they should work on it "together".  Uh, no Bry.  This is a YOU problem.  With that said, she should ask if there are things she does/says that exacerbate his jealousy.  If they are minor things she can easily change, she should.

But other than that, this is his problem to fix and therapy is a good idea.  Therapy might be great not even just about the LW, but because it also sounds like he has some general unhappiness about his career.

charlotte989875

This is a him problem. You can be supportive by listening to what he’s going through (feeling passed over for promotions, being frustrated by work) but you can’t and shouldnt try and fix this for him. 

H and I have dealt with something like this before; we have the exact same degree, but I got a TT job right of our school (and we were applying for many of the same positions) and I leaned more into the statistics side of our field than he did. So that opened a lot more opportunities both in and out of academia. It also meant I’ve made more money for most of our relationship and all of our marriage. 

We’ve adopted the “do you want me to listen or do you want my advice” approach when there are work frustrations. Being able to just vent is important without someone else trying to tell you what you “should” be doing.