Wedding Woes
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Is she Ariana Grande?

Dear Prudence,

My stepsister and I grew up together from the age of 10, and I consider her a sister and a friend. She is smart, talented, charming, and pretty. She’s also loving to her people and is big on being there with practical support when things are hard for family or close friends. She’s also a serial cheater and “other woman.” It seems like she’s only interested in men who are in relationships. It started in our teens and I always hoped she’d grow out of it from the consequences if nothing else, but nothing has changed. When I’ve talked to her about it before she just brushed me off and said she’s in love and that it’s all worth it.

We’re in our late 20s now and she’s actively pursuing a guy who is married with a new baby, and her boyfriend understandably broke up with her when he found out. I can’t reconcile this with who she is in other ways. She’s hurting people. Her parents seem to have an implied agreement never to bring it up, and her friends have tried and failed. My brother says to leave it alone but it really bothers me that I’m close with someone who repeatedly does this. How do I have a more persuasive conversation with her?

—Sister, Sister

Re: Is she Ariana Grande?

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    CharmedPamCharmedPam member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited April 18
    You can’t change sis’s actions but you can give her a business card with a reeeeeeally good therapists name on it. 
    Edit; wait is Ariana Grande doing this too?

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    I couldn't maintain a friendship like this. I'd probably tell her straight up, "I love you and I love your friendship, but the fact that you actively and knowingly choose to hurt other people in the pursuit of your own happiness is something I can't be around." 


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    Their brother is right.  A person isn't going to change something that they don't see as a problem.  It sounds like the stepsister doesn't even care about the moral aspect or that other people get hurt.  So there isn't even anything to work with.  It's worth a try every once in awhile.  But the LW and the stepsister's friends have already tried on multiple occasions.

    If it bothers the LW enough to start putting distance, that's up to them.  Either way, they need to let it go for their own sanity.  Because they can't control their stepsister's actions, but they can control their own reaction to it.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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    You can’t change sis’s actions but you can give her a business card with a reeeeeeally good therapists name on it. 
    Edit; wait is Ariana Grande doing this too?
    Ariana Grande and her current man met on the set of Wicked.  They left both their spouses, which his wife had just had their baby, and are now together.  The 'joke' is that he is best known for being Spongebob on Broadway. 

    Also, she does have a song called "Break up with your Girlfriend ('cause I'm bored)" about banging a guy who's clearly in a relationship.  SO I'm thinking it's a pattern?

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    At this point, I don't think there's any conversation you can have with your stepsister that's going to change anything. She's set in her ways, and she's probably going to have to get seriously burned in one of these relationships before she even thinks about changing her behavior - and even that may not work. 

    The only thing you can control is whether you stay close to someone whose actions bother you this much. As much as you may love her otherwise, I think it would be understandable to distance yourself from her so you don't have to be the confidant to all this.
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