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Wedding Woes

Can her customer interactions be limited?

Dear Prudence,

In our family business, my husband and I find ourselves entangled with his mother, who plays a pivotal role in its day-to-day operations. While all mostly runs smoothly, there’s a snag that’s been causing me no small amount of distress: her unwavering obsession with extreme conspiracy theories. These ideas seem to guide her decisions and permeate every aspect of her interactions with our customers, leaving me in a rather uncomfortable predicament.

Given her seniority and her age, most people tend to brush off her musings or reluctantly nod along to avoid friction, and avoid her as much as they can. However, I find it increasingly challenging to dance to a tune I don’t resonate with, especially when it tarnishes our customers’ and employees’ experiences. Numerous patrons have approached me, expressing their discontent with her approach, and while I lend them a sympathetic ear, I refrain from throwing her under the proverbial bus. My husband and I are in lockstep on this issue, and he’s already attempted to broach the subject with her many times. Likewise, I’ve had a candid heart-to-heart with her about the feedback received from our clientele.

But here’s where I’m at a loss: how do I draw a line in the sand to protect my own sanity? I have zero interest in conspiracy talk, and though I’ve expressed this to her, she insists on keeping me what she believes to be informed. The constant barrage of such inane conversations is beginning to wear me down. It’s not just affecting our business’s bottom line; it’s taking a toll on my personal well-being, to the point where I find myself on the verge of snapping.

Prudence, could you lend me your wisdom on how to establish some much-needed boundaries in this situation? I’m eager to find a solution that fosters familial harmony while safeguarding the integrity of our business.

—Seeking Sanity

Re: Can her customer interactions be limited?

  • I'm assuming you can't just keep her back of house. If we had a business with H's family, this would be his mother. And there would be no stopping her unless we either had a back of house operation that was offsite, or we would have to disentangle her completely from the business. People with wild conspiracy theories are not going to take a boundary and sit down and listen to you. In fact telling them they're not allowed to discuss it will likely solidify their belief that they do have the truth, and it's a conspiracy that no one wants to talk about it. 

    If her conspiracy theories are getting worse and more wild (and you mentioned more advanced age), then it's also possible that there may be a cognitive impairment at play as well.


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  • LW seems to be asking more about their own interaction with her versus customers'. Setting some bean dip type boundaries could help, but it might be time to start thinking about her retirement/exit plan. Not sure whether advanced age means 60 or 90, but a visit with a doctor is probably also in order. At the end of the day, though, the H is going to have to step in and drive a lot of this.
  • “MIL I know you believe you’re keeping us informed but all of these theories are stressful and I’d prefer to talk about the business/grandkids/your next vacation instead”. 

    And start keeping her away from clients. If you’ve both given her feedback directly that it’s harming the business you need to take further steps by saying she can’t interact with clients anymore. That may mean hiring someone else or shifting responsibilities. 

    But there’s no way any of this goes over well so be prepared she may handle it all poorly. 
  • LW seems to be asking more about their own interaction with her versus customers'. Setting some bean dip type boundaries could help, but it might be time to start thinking about her retirement/exit plan. Not sure whether advanced age means 60 or 90, but a visit with a doctor is probably also in order. At the end of the day, though, the H is going to have to step in and drive a lot of this.
    I was wondering this also.  Ideally, it's time for mom to retire and start enjoying her golden years.  I wonder if it's feasible to spin a more positive reason for why she should leave the daily operation and bulk of the work to the younger generation.  It's not going to completely shield the LW from the mom's conspiracy theories, but at least it won't be an every day occurrence if the mom isn't working there anymore.  And she also won't be bothering other employees and customers.

    Especially in this day and age, it isn't unusual for people to boycott businesses based on the political beliefs of the owners.  And they'll sometimes spread it on social media also.

    There's a large, local grocery store chain (Rouse's) in southern Louisiana.  It's owned by a family.  One of the sons that's heavily involved in the business participated in the Jan. 6th riots.  He at least didn't go into the Capitol building, but he was there in support of Trump.

    Louisiana might be red, but NOLA is very blue.  The backlash for his actions were something else.  It was big news locally and people boycotted the stores in droves.  Everyone was bad-mouthing it.  There are still people who refuse to shop there.  The company had to do major damage control.  
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  • I think the H absolutely has to step in here two-fold

    1) Business percentages and hierarchy need to be worked out here.  Who is actually holding the greater percentage of control financially and is a decision maker?  Assuming that the son and wife are together of a greater percentage over the mother, then they need to TOGETHER address that the mom needs to keep her personal opinions to herself especially in her customer-facing role.   The H may not like this but if his mom is affecting his income, he needs to have that discussion.

    2) They need to implement this with consequences and potentially put together an exit plan eventually for her.  Ultimately they need to determine what's going on with her role.   People can be very resistant to change and it's often a requirement to get it legal and in writing about their involvement and future lack thereof so the business has a plan to run smoothly and mom gets to retire.  It's not what the LW said but if MIL is showing up and inserting her personality into the business she's also not sticking to the tasks at hand. 
  • Buy her out or quit and get a new job. 
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