I'd fulfill my MOH duties and then let her decide to engage me after the wedding.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My best friend has been sucked into a bad relationship. And it’s making it very hard to stay close to her. When she met him, he seemed nice and supportive. He’s a bit older with a son from a previous marriage. The kid is really cute and loved my friend instantly. Everyone was happy for them when they got engaged. They looked like a very sweet family. Then she moved in with them and everything changed. Suddenly, she can’t meet up anymore. And if she does, her phone starts blowing up as soon as she arrives. She’s expected to stay home with the kid a lot while he works or goes out. 

(He also lied to her about how much money he made and didn’t admit that it was about half of that until after she moved in. Now she’s paying rent to him in a house he still owns with his ex. So she’s helping them pay off their mortgage with no equity. It makes my skin crawl.) Her fiancée also stopped being nice to me. If I visit, he’s openly annoyed. If the son walks in, the fiancée will loudly say something like, “Oh it’s girls’ time, wait until (my name) leaves,” even though I like the kid and always bring him something! But now the kid gets annoyed if I come over, too. So I’ve just stopped going over there. I see on Facebook that they throw dinner parties for his friends and other couples we know but I’m never invited to those. 

She asked me to be her maid of honor months ago and I happily accepted at the time. But now, despite being iced out, I’m being asked to do favors for “the couple” more than for her. All planned gatherings need to include him and his friends—who don’t offer to help or pay for anything. After the bridal shower, all the groomsmen, their wives, and kids were heading out, literally stumbling over the bridesmaids cleaning up and one of them shouted, “Can’t wait for the baby shower!” I commented on them maybe staying to help and my friend accused me of trying to start trouble. I told her it was weird that her bridesmaids couldn’t just throw her a fun gathering without having to cater to her fiancée and his frat brothers. She said that was “sexist,” and that they were a team and all celebrations needed to include him. I replied, “Maybe one of his friends can handle the baby shower then so I can get drunk on their dime and leave them with the mess.” She started crying and we argued so our friends had to step in and mediate. It was awful.  

Ultimately, we apologized and made up but nothing has changed, aside from her fiancée using this as an excuse to be an even bigger jerk to me—while still expecting me to do “them” favors for the wedding. I’ve said no to several things out of self-respect, like picking up his mom at the airport and planning a joint bachelor/bachelorette party. And while my friend says she understands, I can tell she’s upset. I’m so exhausted and resentful. Is there any way to salvage this? Or have I lost my friend to this terrible relationship and I should just consider my remaining maid of honor duties a farewell gift? 

—Maid in Distress

banana468

I'd do the bare minimum at this point.  The guys is an abusive mysogynistic frat boy.  

You don't need to compromise who you are for them.  So stop.  Show up to the wedding, do the standard things and if asked for more tell them that your cup is empty.

short+sassy

The fiance sounds terrible.  But the LW hasn't behaved great either and that's probably why she isn't invited to dinner parties, even though other BFF friends are.  She let her annoyance at him and his friends get the best of her and made a big scene at the wedding shower for no reason.  It's courteous when guests help clean up, but also not their obligation.  I'm guessing she's pretty obvious that she doesn't like the fiance, so the feeling is mutual.

Of course her friend should contribute to the house she lives in, even if that includes rent!  I don't see it as any different than renting from anybody else.  It should be a fair amount.  Like what it might cost to rent a one bedroom or room in someone's house.  But most equity comes from "time".  Not the mortgage payments, most of which goes to escrow (property taxes/insurance) and interest anyway.  And any needed repairs.  Her friend shouldn't cover any of those because that is for his house and part of what rent covers.

If the friend wants her housing payment to go toward home ownership, then she can talk to her guy after they get married about selling his house and buying another one together.  But there's a good chance that doesn't make any financial sense for either of them.

Half the income he'd originally told her is certainly concerning, but I'd need more info on how the finances are laid out to judge if he is financially taking advantage of her.  And in the end, it really doesn't matter.  His finances and behaviors bother the LW, but may not bother her friend.  This is who her friend hitched her star to.  She is fully aware of his pros/cons and wants to marry him anyway.  If the LW wants to back off from the friendship, especially after the wedding, that's up to her.

In the meantime, she needs to get more comfortable saying "no" and setting boundaries.  She has already done some of that, which is great.  Her only further obligation is to show up at the wedding and be by her friend's side.