Wedding Woes

Do not help her get a job at your job.

Dear Prudence,

I have been friends with another attorney for several years now. We both graduated law school about the same time and practiced in the same field of law. During and after the immediate aftermath of the pandemic, her employer couldn’t pay a full-time salary and moved her to a part-time position. My friend was increasingly frustrated by this and her unhappiness soon dominated our conversations. Once it became apparent that this was not a temporary problem, I suggested that she change employers. She took my advice but in the year since then, she hasn’t been able to hold down a job. She has a good resume and hasn’t had a problem getting hired at good, well-paying positions in her field, but she seems to self-sabotage at each position. She constantly puts down her own abilities and, according to her, she often refuses to do things her employers ask, claiming that she doesn’t know enough to do them.

I find this distressing because, from my interactions with her, it seems like she does know enough to do these things and has the capacity to pick up new skills with relatively little training, but she seems unwilling to push herself to do so. She also seems to have personal conflicts with people at each of the positions she has worked at, some of which sound justified and some of which do not. Throughout this time. I have tried to be supportive and offer practical advice when asked, but I don’t think I have done much good for her.

Recently, she has become very upset, as some of her relatives who had been providing her housing and covering some of her expenses have told her that they will not be able to continue to do this indefinitely and have advised her to start making arrangements to live on her own. My friend has been worried about her future since and has been catastrophizing. Now, she’s suggesting that she could move in with me. In the past I had told her that she was always welcome to stay on my couch if she needed to, but this was always meant as a short-term solution to help get over a crisis for like a month or so. I really don’t want to have to take care of a 35-year-old woman indefinitely.

There will be a position opening up at my office soon, and I’m pretty sure I can get her hired if I recommend her. However, it is very similar to one of the positions she was recently fired from. I personally think that she has the capacity to do it and feel like if I just assisted her in finding her feet with it that it could work out. I asked her if she wanted me to put her name forward and she was non-committal and said that she didn’t think she could last at it and wouldn’t want to embarrass me I feel guilty that things have worked out so poorly for her after following my advice, and I feel the job could be a good opportunity for her, but I also don’t want to set her up for failure by pushing her into taking a position that she lacks the confidence to do. I also really don’t want a roommate at my age. Any ideas on how to resolve this?

—Bad Advice Giver

Re: Do not help her get a job at your job.

  • Options
    First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Do not throw yourself down a well to keep her company
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    banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    Do not offer to let her move in.  Recommend a therapist and career counselor.  You should see now that the reason she likely had her hours reduced was due to personality conflicts and work issues and she's a liability where she goes. 

    If you let her in she will be YOUR liability.   You can either tell her no and not offer her the advice that she's her own worst enemy and needs to seek guidance to effect change or you can tell her yes and hate your future. 
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    Helping a friend get a job with your employer often doesn't end well. And given your friend's dicey work history, I think it's an especially bad idea for you to help her get this job at your office. If she ends up having as much trouble at your office as she has at others, it will reflect badly on you and may negatively impact your relationships with colleagues, especially if they know that you knew she was likely not to work out.

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    mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    I would never recommend someone to my company unless I could give them full-throated support and not worry that anything they did would reflect on me.  This is not that person LW.  She has already hedged, so that's all you need to know.  

    Don't let her move in with you and don't push her about this opening at your firm. Maybe she needs safety nets removed to really figure out how to stand on her own.  You'd just be enabling this wishy-washy BS further if you do more than you already have. 
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    levioosalevioosa member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    This sounds like one of those friendships which should have run their course by now. Absolutely do not recommend her for this upcoming job. Don't sabotage your own chance at advancement because she continually self-sabotages every opportunity she's given.

  • Options
    She’s telling you she’s not going to be able to keep that job so believe her. Don’t help her get it. And do not let her move in. 

    She’s obviously capable enough to get through law school she’s got to figure out how to do this too. 
  • Options
    Me reading this letter, "LW, NOOOOO!!!  What are you thinking?!?!"

    No to being a roommate.  No to being a coworker.

    Suggest therapy and career counseling.  She needs to learn how to help herself again.  Her relatives have been enabling her and now they are done.  Don't become her next enabler because the same thing is going to happen.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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    CasadenaCasadena member
    First Comment First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Whyyyyyyy do people take on other people's problems as their own. This literally has nothing to do with you. LW shoudlnt' have even asked her about the job, but she was pretty clear in her "no don't do that i wont' be good at it". Believe her and move on. 
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