Dear Prudence,
I have been friends with another attorney for several years now. We both graduated law school about the same time and practiced in the same field of law. During and after the immediate aftermath of the pandemic, her employer couldn’t pay a full-time salary and moved her to a part-time position. My friend was increasingly frustrated by this and her unhappiness soon dominated our conversations. Once it became apparent that this was not a temporary problem, I suggested that she change employers. She took my advice but in the year since then, she hasn’t been able to hold down a job. She has a good resume and hasn’t had a problem getting hired at good, well-paying positions in her field, but she seems to self-sabotage at each position. She constantly puts down her own abilities and, according to her, she often refuses to do things her employers ask, claiming that she doesn’t know enough to do them.
I find this distressing because, from my interactions with her, it seems like she does know enough to do these things and has the capacity to pick up new skills with relatively little training, but she seems unwilling to push herself to do so. She also seems to have personal conflicts with people at each of the positions she has worked at, some of which sound justified and some of which do not. Throughout this time. I have tried to be supportive and offer practical advice when asked, but I don’t think I have done much good for her.
Recently, she has become very upset, as some of her relatives who had been providing her housing and covering some of her expenses have told her that they will not be able to continue to do this indefinitely and have advised her to start making arrangements to live on her own. My friend has been worried about her future since and has been catastrophizing. Now, she’s suggesting that she could move in with me. In the past I had told her that she was always welcome to stay on my couch if she needed to, but this was always meant as a short-term solution to help get over a crisis for like a month or so. I really don’t want to have to take care of a 35-year-old woman indefinitely.
There will be a position opening up at my office soon, and I’m pretty sure I can get her hired if I recommend her. However, it is very similar to one of the positions she was recently fired from. I personally think that she has the capacity to do it and feel like if I just assisted her in finding her feet with it that it could work out. I asked her if she wanted me to put her name forward and she was non-committal and said that she didn’t think she could last at it and wouldn’t want to embarrass me I feel guilty that things have worked out so poorly for her after following my advice, and I feel the job could be a good opportunity for her, but I also don’t want to set her up for failure by pushing her into taking a position that she lacks the confidence to do. I also really don’t want a roommate at my age. Any ideas on how to resolve this?
—Bad Advice Giver