You're not lazy, but you're not aligned.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My wife and I are both high-income earners (top 1 percent in the U.S.) and we are both almost-millionaires. I recently quit my job to recover from burnout and to work on a solo project. My wife agreed to this plan because the project has the potential to free us from corporate life by generating a significant amount of passive income. I’ve set a deadline for myself to go back to a corporate job by the end of the year if the project is not successful. Since the project timeline is relatively long, I want to work sustainably to avoid burnout. After prioritizing sleep, exercise, nutrition, and mental health, I end up working around five hours a day on this project (including weekends when we have no plans).

My wife has told me that she is not satisfied with the number of hours I am working. This disagreement has led to a couple of bad fights. Her “ideal husband” “works hard.” She is afraid I won’t be able to deal with the chaos of kids in the future. Granted, I am working less than the standard 40 hours per week. But it’s not like I’m doing nothing; I have a deadline and I make consistent progress every week. I will also note that I still pay my share of all expenses and we still maintain a similar lifestyle as before. To use a Reddit-ism, am I the asshole?

—Lazy Husband

banana468

I don't think you're the AH but I think you need to realign on your plan and confirm to your wife if you two are going to be able to make this work.  Ultimately you're working a part time schedule.  Was that what you eluded to by working HALF the normal hours of a work week and then by putting that in on the weekend you're taking potential time out of your personal time to accomplish this. 

I can see why she'd be upset because for many couples the weekend is the not working time and now you're working less during the week and taking time out of what could be spent together.   

I think you two need to sit down and talk and see what can be a realistic schedule that balances your mental health and your marriage. 

charlotte989875

You’re not necessarily the AH but what was the conversation when you quit? What’s the division of labor at home? Are you working less (and working on the weekend presumably her only time off) and she’s still doing a lot of home labor? When you say a similar lifestyle as before what has changed and is it something she cares a lot about? 

You all need to talk more- what is she afraid about? How bad was the burnout and what if you add kids to the mix? 

mrsconn23

I think I need to know if LW's prioritizing his mental/phsycal well-being and those priorities don't align with things like, picking up more physical or mental slack from her.  I'm sure if I was busting my ass for 40+ hours a week and barely had time for sleep or any sort of free time/pleasure, plus the mental load and my partner works half that and hasn't taken anything off my plate?  I'd be bitter AF.  I don't care if they has 'passive' income or not.  

If LW has picked up slack and she's making hay because she still is working her corporate job and believes in 'grind it out' culture or whatever and feels some sort of way about LW's freedom from that, then that's a different conversation.  

Either way, I think LW should talk to her instead of writing Prudie. 

short+sassy

Bless your heart, LW!  It sounded like bullshit that they were each 1% top earners in the US, but don't even have quite $2M saved.  So I Googled it.  Top 1% earners average $819K/year.  Even top 5% earners average $339K.  And that's EACH of them.  So double those numbers for their household income.  Where's the money?  Did they buy a luxurious multi-million dollar home with cash somewhat recently?  Or is the LW lying about their salaries?  Not really relevant to the story, but it bugged me.

They need to have more discussion about this, while calm.  Including what will things look like for both of them if the business does take off.  Because he won't be "working hard" at all, if it does.

I see the wife's point because it does sound eye-rolling that he can't possibly get more than 5 hours of work done per day.  Would it really be that much burn out to work more than that?  Maybe it would, but then that needs to be part of the discussion.  If so, maybe she would understand better if he needs X months of 35-hour/7-day weeks.  But will then agree to go back to a more normal 40 hours/5 days after that.

I'd also love to know what kind of business will be mostly passive when the LW is done.  But requires 140 hours/month of work for about a year.  While I'm sure there are scenarios that fit, it's not most.  This is also setting off my bullshit detector.

Definitely one of those letters I would like to hear the wife's side.  Because I'm not finding the LW to be a reliable narrator.

banana468

short+sassy said:

Bless your heart, LW!  It sounded like bullshit that they were each 1% top earners in the US, but don't even have quite $2M saved.  So I Googled it.  Top 1% earners average $819K/year.  Even top 5% earners average $339K.  And that's EACH of them.  So double those numbers for their household income.  Where's the money?  Did they buy a luxurious multi-million dollar home with cash somewhat recently?  Or is the LW lying about their salaries?  Not really relevant to the story, but it bugged me.

They need to have more discussion about this, while calm.  Including what will things look like for both of them if the business does take off.  Because he won't be "working hard" at all, if it does.

I see the wife's point because it does sound eye-rolling that he can't possibly get more than 5 hours of work done per day.  Would it really be that much burn out to work more than that?  Maybe it would, but then that needs to be part of the discussion.  If so, maybe she would understand better if he needs X months of 35-hour/7-day weeks.  But will then agree to go back to a more normal 40 hours/5 days after that.

I'd also love to know what kind of business will be mostly passive when the LW is done.  But requires 140 hours/month of work for about a year.  While I'm sure there are scenarios that fit, it's not most.  This is also setting off my bullshit detector.

Definitely one of those letters I would like to hear the wife's side.  Because I'm not finding the LW to be a reliable narrator.

The issue is that if they're top earners they also likely have top college loans and live in a top COL area.  DH and I marveled at what BIL/SIL's house cost where they live in the midwest and what that house would cost out here.    DH and I aren't top income earners but we also can't afford to move back to his hometown where the current lowest cost house that has 4 BR (one for us, one for ea kid and an office) is $735,000.  They probably DID buy a house over $1MM and it's probably not luxurious but just part of the area.  

levioosa

I feel for both parties, tbh. H still is out of work because his mental health could just not take it anymore. I don't want us both miserable but damn it is hard to be partner working full time. And it's not that H doesn't work hard around the house...but it isn't the things that I feel he should be working on. Between the burnout, the depression and anxiety, his ADHD is in full force and it is a lot for me. And there's a game plan, and there's check ins, but it's hard not to become a little resentful. I am actively working at not being resentful by communicating and going to therapy. But ugh. I also have to say that H and I are no where near that "1% earners" tax bracket. I am positive if I was making double my salary, or even another 30% more, I'd be feeling wayyyy more chill about it. 

I guess you become used to the lifestyle though. You should have heard the family drama about my cousin when his wife took time off to be with the new baby. They were SO POOR because she chose to be home. Meanwhile he was still bringing in almost $600k annually from his job (prior to maternity leave she was making even more than him). I was rolling my eyes hard. 

Casadena

short+sassy said:

Bless your heart, LW!  It sounded like bullshit that they were each 1% top earners in the US, but don't even have quite $2M saved.  So I Googled it.  Top 1% earners average $819K/year.  Even top 5% earners average $339K.  And that's EACH of them.  So double those numbers for their household income.  Where's the money?  Did they buy a luxurious multi-million dollar home with cash somewhat recently?  Or is the LW lying about their salaries?  Not really relevant to the story, but it bugged me.

They need to have more discussion about this, while calm.  Including what will things look like for both of them if the business does take off.  Because he won't be "working hard" at all, if it does.

I see the wife's point because it does sound eye-rolling that he can't possibly get more than 5 hours of work done per day.  Would it really be that much burn out to work more than that?  Maybe it would, but then that needs to be part of the discussion.  If so, maybe she would understand better if he needs X months of 35-hour/7-day weeks.  But will then agree to go back to a more normal 40 hours/5 days after that.

I'd also love to know what kind of business will be mostly passive when the LW is done.  But requires 140 hours/month of work for about a year.  While I'm sure there are scenarios that fit, it's not most.  This is also setting off my bullshit detector.

Definitely one of those letters I would like to hear the wife's side.  Because I'm not finding the LW to be a reliable narrator.

This was my exact first reaction. Unless they're both making 1%er money in their early-mid 20's, I cannot believe they would still have high interest debt that's not paid off and savings that barely puts their net worth at a million. That doesn't add up for me. 

Honestly though, that's not the point of the letter. If wife is unhappy, she needs to communicate. LW seems purposefully oblivious to how his decisions are affecting her and their relationship. That said, i got the sense from some of the wording that they keep finances separate. If that's the case and LW is still paying his portion of whatever split they've agreed on, I don't feel it's as much of a problem.